It's all about you, Jesus

Throughout the past month, there has been so much that's been going on. Some good, some bad, but all of it resulting in craziness and stress. And during this time, I've pushed away a lot of what I should be doing in place of things that I want to do. In reality, I've been satisfying my own needs and pushing myself into my own little bubble, where everything revolves around me.

I've pushed away reading my Bible and time spent praising God because I've felt like I can't praise Him. There have been so many things that I've done in my life that it feels as if there is no way that I, a sin-ridden creature could even lift my eyes towards Heaven. Why should I be allowed to even ask for forgiveness? I've been scared, thinking that I can't be forgiven, and scared, thinking that it's too late.

I'm a person that likes to hold onto things. I cling to old memories, scraps of paper and little knick-knacks, notebooks, yadda yadda. But I've been holding onto a lot of emotional baggage lately. Lies of the world that I've been feeding myself over and over again, because I don't know how to change--or at least, I don't think I do. And I'm afraid.

It comes down to fear. But if I'm afraid, then I'm not trusting God. I'm not leaning on Him. I'm not looking towards Him with everything. I'm not coming to Him in prayer and thanksgiving. But one of the lies I've fed myself is that I can't be forgiven--ever. I'm afraid of asking for forgiveness, because I'm afraid He'll say no. I'm afraid that I won't cut it.

I'm afraid that I'm not good enough.

There's so much vulnerability in offering yourself completely and totally to God. A lot of sacrifice and a lot of trust. I would look towards God and ask Him to forgive me, but I wouldn't believe it. It required so much faith and it required that I step out of my comfort zone and say, "You know what, God? I don't know how you could forgive me, but I'm begging you to. I'm asking that you clean me. Lord, please, just wash over me with your love and forgiveness."

But I did it. And it hurt. It hurt to cry out to God and tell the Maker all of my sins and beg that He would forgive them. It hurt to say that I wasn't perfect and that I was sorry--so sorry. It hurt to put myself in that place of vulnerability and say, "Lord, please forgive me. Please forgive me, Jesus. God, forgive me. I'm a sinner and I'm not good enough and never will be, but it's not about me, it's about you. I'm so sorry Lord for what I've made it into. Jesus, please forgive me."

But now, there is so much peace. And there is so much love. Love that just washes over me till I feel as if my chest was bursting and I can't get enough air; I'm drowning in His love and His mercy. Because He is my God, and He is good. He is so good.

And it really comes down to being about me, or being about Him. I didn't trust Him to forgive me and love me, because I didn't think that I was good enough, or would ever be, or that I was someone who could be forgiven and loved. I put my limitations and my fears in place of complete and total trust, and offering myself up completely to God. That makes it about me, and not about Him.

I said that if I wasn't perfect, then I wasn't good enough. If I didn't measure up, then I couldn't be His child. And I could never measure up--because I'm a sinner. This all made it about me...me not being perfect, me not being good enough. Me, me, me, me, me...

But it's ALL about Him.

I've made it into something about me. And it needs to about Him--every single thing in my life. All of my talents, blessings, every single good thing in my life is all from Him.

I've been singing Michael W. Smith's, Heart of Worship song lately

When the music fades
All is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless Your heart
I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus

King of endless worth
No one could express
How much You deserve
Though I'm weak and poor
All I have is Yours
Every single breath
I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
And it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus

I'm coming back to the heart of worship,
And it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
And it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus

I'm coming back to the heart of worship, and it's all about, Jesus. It's all about Jesus. It's not about me at all, and I've made it so. I'm so sorry for what I've made it, when it's ALL about Jesus. It's completely and totally and one hundred percent about Jesus.

My whole being wants to sing praises to Him--the God of the entire universe! The Alpha and the Omega. The perfect, beautiful, holy, just, loving, tender, strong, merciful, forgiving God. My perfect Savior.

Who loves more than I can even describe. And forgives even the worst of sinners and the worst of sins. You cannot tell me that He is not good.

I'm sorry Lord, for the thing I've made it, when it's all about you. It's all about you, Jesus.