Packing them away until later

I've been packing my dreams away lately. Putting them into boxes until it's time for me to take them out and see them realized. One of those dreams is my DSLR. My beautiful-someday-camera. You see, I'm at the point where I could buy one (used, but one, nonetheless). I was planning on getting a Canon Rebel XTI. I was all set.

And then God told me no.

It was in the finalization stages, contacting the amazon seller and seeing what he was bundling with the camera. And I felt that nudge. A prickle that I couldn't shake. Something on my shoulder that just stuck. I ended up not going with that camera, and started looking at craigslist...but then...

...I still couldn't get rid of that feeling that this wasn't the way to go. I knew that I was being told to wait. That it wasn't the right time. That I had to put aside my timing and instead go by His. But I didn't want to. I fought against it--oh, did I fight. I struggled with it and argued and tried to justify buying it.

But in the end, I just couldn't go with it. I know that I'm not supposed to buy my camera right now, even though I could. It's frustrating but I have to trust that His timing is better than mine.

Because ultimately, it is.

If that means I have to wait another month, I will. If it means I have to wait another six months, I will. If it means that I have to wait another year...then I will. It's hard and I don't like it. But He's God, and He is good, and His plans are infinitely better than my own. I'm not perfect--I don't like waiting at all and like I already said, it's hard. But I'll wait.

So I'm just praying for peace. I'm going to walk the path of waiting again. But in our lives, we have to wait. There are barely ever any instances where you can have what you want, when you want it. It's a lifelong journey of accepting the fact that waiting is good and can be God-honoring. Even though it doesn't always feel like that...okay, even though it hardly ever feels like that.

I waited two years for my laptop. In the course of a lifetime, that doesn't seem like much, but to me back then, the thought of having to wait was daunting. It was frustrating, and I was upset. I didn't always have a joyful spirit in waiting; just ask my sweet mom who put up with me when I would start lamenting the lack of my laptop.

But in the end, I got it, and I got an incredible deal with it that I wouldn't have gotten had I tried to buy it earlier--even though I could have. When I bought it was God's timing. And His is the best. Even if it doesn't seem that way--especially in the moment.

So this is goodbye for now to my beautiful DSLR. I'll be seeing you someday, over the rainbow and way up high. Where dreams of fancy meet my eyes and...wait, those aren't the lyrics. Oh, well.

I'll wait.

(as a side note, sorry for my lack of blog-world-ness. Life has been crazy...but I've missed you all!)

It's all about you, Jesus

Throughout the past month, there has been so much that's been going on. Some good, some bad, but all of it resulting in craziness and stress. And during this time, I've pushed away a lot of what I should be doing in place of things that I want to do. In reality, I've been satisfying my own needs and pushing myself into my own little bubble, where everything revolves around me.

I've pushed away reading my Bible and time spent praising God because I've felt like I can't praise Him. There have been so many things that I've done in my life that it feels as if there is no way that I, a sin-ridden creature could even lift my eyes towards Heaven. Why should I be allowed to even ask for forgiveness? I've been scared, thinking that I can't be forgiven, and scared, thinking that it's too late.

I'm a person that likes to hold onto things. I cling to old memories, scraps of paper and little knick-knacks, notebooks, yadda yadda. But I've been holding onto a lot of emotional baggage lately. Lies of the world that I've been feeding myself over and over again, because I don't know how to change--or at least, I don't think I do. And I'm afraid.

It comes down to fear. But if I'm afraid, then I'm not trusting God. I'm not leaning on Him. I'm not looking towards Him with everything. I'm not coming to Him in prayer and thanksgiving. But one of the lies I've fed myself is that I can't be forgiven--ever. I'm afraid of asking for forgiveness, because I'm afraid He'll say no. I'm afraid that I won't cut it.

I'm afraid that I'm not good enough.

There's so much vulnerability in offering yourself completely and totally to God. A lot of sacrifice and a lot of trust. I would look towards God and ask Him to forgive me, but I wouldn't believe it. It required so much faith and it required that I step out of my comfort zone and say, "You know what, God? I don't know how you could forgive me, but I'm begging you to. I'm asking that you clean me. Lord, please, just wash over me with your love and forgiveness."

But I did it. And it hurt. It hurt to cry out to God and tell the Maker all of my sins and beg that He would forgive them. It hurt to say that I wasn't perfect and that I was sorry--so sorry. It hurt to put myself in that place of vulnerability and say, "Lord, please forgive me. Please forgive me, Jesus. God, forgive me. I'm a sinner and I'm not good enough and never will be, but it's not about me, it's about you. I'm so sorry Lord for what I've made it into. Jesus, please forgive me."

But now, there is so much peace. And there is so much love. Love that just washes over me till I feel as if my chest was bursting and I can't get enough air; I'm drowning in His love and His mercy. Because He is my God, and He is good. He is so good.

And it really comes down to being about me, or being about Him. I didn't trust Him to forgive me and love me, because I didn't think that I was good enough, or would ever be, or that I was someone who could be forgiven and loved. I put my limitations and my fears in place of complete and total trust, and offering myself up completely to God. That makes it about me, and not about Him.

I said that if I wasn't perfect, then I wasn't good enough. If I didn't measure up, then I couldn't be His child. And I could never measure up--because I'm a sinner. This all made it about me...me not being perfect, me not being good enough. Me, me, me, me, me...

But it's ALL about Him.

I've made it into something about me. And it needs to about Him--every single thing in my life. All of my talents, blessings, every single good thing in my life is all from Him.

I've been singing Michael W. Smith's, Heart of Worship song lately

When the music fades
All is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless Your heart
I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus

King of endless worth
No one could express
How much You deserve
Though I'm weak and poor
All I have is Yours
Every single breath
I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
And it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus

I'm coming back to the heart of worship,
And it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
And it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus

I'm coming back to the heart of worship, and it's all about, Jesus. It's all about Jesus. It's not about me at all, and I've made it so. I'm so sorry for what I've made it, when it's ALL about Jesus. It's completely and totally and one hundred percent about Jesus.

My whole being wants to sing praises to Him--the God of the entire universe! The Alpha and the Omega. The perfect, beautiful, holy, just, loving, tender, strong, merciful, forgiving God. My perfect Savior.

Who loves more than I can even describe. And forgives even the worst of sinners and the worst of sins. You cannot tell me that He is not good.

I'm sorry Lord, for the thing I've made it, when it's all about you. It's all about you, Jesus.

Thank you so much for all of your prayers!

Sam is out of surgery now. They got what he swallowed out of his throat. The item?

A pink star sequin. Lodged sideways in his throat. My dad has a picture of it on his phone, so I might put it up later. They got it out endoscopically, so they didn't have to do any cutting. He's asleep now, and they don't know whether they'll be coming home tonight, or staying there.

Just thank you all for your prayers--they mean so much and definitely made a difference. Love you all! (now off to update my mom's blog...)

Asking for prayer for Sammy-boy...

Hello sweet friends,

I'm asking that you'd all pray for Samuel. Last night, he started crying and screaming and making gagging sounds. This lasted for a little while and then my mom decided to take him into the doctor. When they got there, he was okay and seemed to just be tired, so they went home.

Then this morning at around 3:30 AM, my mom took Sam in again, because he was having difficulty swallowing and was in a lot of pain.

The long story short is that they're at Children's right now (or heading down there) and Sam's going to get an Endoscopy. He swallowed something and has something in his esophagus, and its far enough down not to cause choking hazards but he can't swallow well and he's in a lot of pain.

If you all could pray for him (and my mom) that would mean so much.

Thank you, thank you, thank you all. Love you guys, and God Bless.
--Hannah

saving the gulf, one lemonade stand at a time

The garage sale that we had from Wednesday-Friday was a triple shot of crazy, because our neighbors behind and next to us both had a garage sale. So between us all, there was several sunburns, a huge mass of stuff waiting to be bought, lots of change, and several cups of coffee a lot of coffee.

Our next door neighbor's kids, Ireland and Liam, held a lemonade stand where all the profits would go to helping save the gulf. Grace and Brennan and our neighbor, Belle (whose mom held the sale behind us) helped with the lemonade stand. A lot of giggles drifted from their stand near the road, and sticky fingers tapped impatiently, waiting for sales. They were so cute. Melted my heart in a bunch of sticky mush that made me remember when I used to do that; sitting out in the hot sun and hoping that someone would stop, yet completely freaking out that someone actually would. I didn't have an umbrella though. They did it in much better style than me.




They were so impatient waiting for people to come. And when people did come, you should have seen them. Their voices softened, their laughs quieted and they had the cutest smiles ever. They handed over the lemonade or pop or fruit juice sweetly, grinning as they plunked the change into the money bucket, just loving that clinking noise it made.





And a little bit into it, someone else decided to join in. There was a little competition going on there...some water wars in the making.





He would stare at the cars as they drove by and he watched the people passing, eagerly hoping that they'd stop and grab a water from him. From him, the kiddo with no sign, no indication that he was selling liquids other than a plastic box turned upside down and a bunch of water bottles piled on top. When they passed by or stopped at the other stand, he gave out a big sigh and his shoulders drooped.

That poor, sweet kiddo.

So we compensated for him. And ended up buying all of his waters. I had no change, so I bought a bottle with a half-eaten godiva chocolate.



Oh well. You can't beat that grin, baby.



PS They ended up making $70 in two days (the lemonade stand only lasted Wednesday & Thursday). A big cheer to those darlings! <3

HUGE Giveaway!!! (involving coffee and the making of coffee...)

I just recently found out about CSN stores and I love them! They've got lights, furniture, appliances, pet stuff, outdoor items, etc. So in honor of the 500 follower mark, I thought it was time for a giveaway, and they generously offered one of their products. I know, right? So you wanna know what you could win? Oh, I'm sure you do...it's a big one...

A BRAND NEW ESPRESSO/CAPPUCCINO MAKER!!!

Wanna just squeal with me?! Valued at $70 (but on sale for $40--so even if you don't win, you could snag it!), it holds two cups and is incredibly easy to operate. Plus you could win it! Wait...I already said that. Oh, well, It's exciting enough to repeat!

<a href="http://manyrandommusings.blogspot.com/2010/06/huuuuuuuuge-giveaway.html"><img vspace="none" hspace="none" alt="Win a Brand New Cappuccino and Espresso Maker - Aspire" src="http://i617.photobucket.com/albums/tt255/ElvishAuthoress/WACEM.png" align="left" /></a>

So here's how to enter:

MANDATORY ENTRY:

1. Follow Aspire and leave a comment telling me that you do!

EXTRA ENTRIES:

1. Put the GIVEAWAY button on your blog (+1 entry)

2. Tweet about the giveaway (+1 entry)

3. Facebook the giveaway (+1 entry)

4. Post about the giveaway on your blog (+5 entries)

Make sure to leave a SEPARATE comment for each entry you complete! This makes it easier to tally up all the entries at the end and helps to ensure that all of your entries got counted.

The giveaway runs from June 17th to June 30th. I'll announce the winner on July 1st.

You excited? I know I am!

rain-filled and beautiful

Today was one of those lazy busy days, where you're just on the breath of something big, and you should be moving, yet you're just sitting in some small form of stillness, tampered by the knowledge that you shouldn't be just waiting. We're having a garage sale from Wednesday to Thursday, and possibly Friday, so we're getting everything ready for that. Excuse me. I should say she's getting everything ready for that. We're just watching the kids. And by she, I mean supermom. Yup. That would be my mom.

So I played some games with Eli and Caleb, one of which is the infamous Zingos - Bingo with a ZING which they insisted on playing their way...which no one really knows what that is, considering that their way is different every time.




And their way consists somewhat of grabbing the Zingos container so that the other person doesn't get a turn to reveal the new Zingos.



Did I mention that the mosquitoes are out? I must have gotten a billion bites today...all red and itchy and seemingly to expand. It must be because I'm so sweet...or maybe because of these sweets the other day. I don't know where all the little buggers come from...but I do know that I want them gone. There's one perk to winter.



Speaking of mosquitoes, I was viciously attacked by them while I was trying to take some pictures of this.



It doesn't capture the glory and beauty and magnificence of the sunset. The sky was so big and so open and so breathtaking. It was one of those nights where you feel like you're plunked in the middle of a fishbowl, and they hand you a bowl of popcorn and invite you to watch the show. The big, beautiful show where the clouds shift and fly across the sky, and the colors fade in and out in marvelous swoops of vivid beauty. The show that ultimately ends with the quiet dropping of dusk like a blanket and the stars slowly appearing as small, quiet glows. Where the moon is just a small sliver that barely holds its own place in this big, beautiful universe.

The sky might be how it was because of all the rain. It rained and rained and rained today...the rain that swooshes down and just has a parade atop your roof, the road, the grass, and soaks everything in the vicinity. I'm now seeing a fishbowl correlation here...



So what did we do today? We just enjoyed life...life and all of its messy, rainy, mosquitoey pieces. And the night ended with strawberries and whipcream. So it's all good.

(oh, and you'd be happy to know that I just killed a mosquito that stupidly smartly decided to land on my arm. One down, four billion  to go.)

Yes, I'm blind...

...without these beauties, that is. Oh, thank you, beautiful creators of glasses. All sightless people have been blessed with you in the ability to actually see leaves. Yes. Leaves. And did you know that bark isn't just brown? I know...fascinating thing.






I was in love. Happily so...that is, until these babies came along.




Mama mia. How could I resist them? True...they hurt me a bit in the beginning, but we got over it.

Now it's love love love.

But sometimes...that old sting starts up, especially in the spring, aka, allergy ridden central. Then I revisit my old friend when my eyes begin to hurt...



But hey, at least I can see. And yes...road signs are made to be read. And no, they are not actually blurry blobs. Its a huge revelation...

My Sweet Morning...

We've had a busy, crazy, big, beautiful weekend. Most of you know that I dance ballet, and have for six years...what you probably don't know is that the studio I'm at is very professional. All ballet, very strict, very amazing, and very professional. Oh, wait...did I say that already? And I love it. It's a joy and a blessing to be able to dance in a studio that hasn't been influenced by the newer trends and has stayed true to the traditional ballet studios. Long story short, we had our recital this weekend, along with rehearsals. More on that later.

Needless to say, I woke up pretty sore, pretty tired, and pretty late today. (late for me, that is. I'm not sure if getting up at 8:34 counts as late for most people...)

But I have a sweet gramma who went and bought some Caribou giftcards for my sisters and I, and a sweet momma who went to Caribou this morning to get some coffee for us...oh, wait. That's not anything unusual...but still, sweet.





I also have a sweet aunt who bought some Godiva chocolates and books for my birthday for me.






And there was some sweet cereal to go with it...though I'm not sure what I like better about it. The color or the flavor. I might have to go with the color...major vividness there.





So I had a very sweet morning...





...and a sugar rush to accompany it.

Sweet.

Today was a double cone day...

We're not usually suckers when the Schwans man comes around. But today, it was hot, and the only thing we had that would partially constitute something oh-so-cold-and-delectable was a carton of vanilla. Let's face it, vanilla's good, but it's the plain jane, and on a day like today, we were thirsting for adventure...even if that adventure came in the form of chocolate and nuts, making vanilla into something oh-so-much more. That's right. We fell prey to the drumsticks that the Schwans man had in his truck. But they were more than yummy...I haven't drumsticks that good since last summer. And I'm not talking about the chicken ones, just to clarify. We don't put chocolate on our chicken.

Elijah seemed to like them. In fact, he seemed to like them so much that he decided to have another one. Hmm...there's a con to having the freezer below the fridge and not above it...but y'know what? It's okay. He had his cone and he enjoyed it. He doesn't usually get as many treats as us "older" kiddos, so it was good for him. Besides...he looked so cute with all the ice cream over his face, I couldn't say no.

And as proof...




Yup. It's even harder to resist that face than the drumsticks. So we had a good day. A double cone day. And it turned out to have nuts and chocolate on top.

Who knew?

Little for a little while

I love Renee and Jeremy. Several of their songs I've fallen head-over-heels in love with, such as Night Mantra and It's a Big World. Especially, It's a Big World. Turn off my theme and listen to this quickly.

I find that their music is calming, and soothing, and sweet. It immediately brings to mind moments that I spent reading or exploring as a little girl. For some reason, whenever I listen to their music, I get this soft, pink light kind of feeling. That gentle almost breeze-like sensation that washes over you, seeming to whisper, remember. And so I let myself get washed by the waves of memory and I think back to when I was little--when my dreams seemingly rivaled that big blue sky.

I dreamed of silly things. Of opening my mouth and speaking, and having gems fall out instead of words. I must have liked the thought of my words being so noble, so beautiful, so real, that they turned into jewels, spilling out of my mouth in rainbow hues and pebbling the ground with a pathway of fantasy. I dreamed of becoming famous--but truthfully, at that age, who didn't? The allure of being known and loved by millions used to always appeal to me; the thought of being someone so important, or so-called important was exciting, and so I dreamed.



I remember exploring when I was little, but not necessarily with my feet. I went on fabulous journeys in my mind--long, drawn out treks that ended with the promise of another day, another jaunt to travel on. My dreams and my explorations were always acted out, my poor friends and sister having to bear the brunt of my so-called games. They would play along with me, sometimes fully, more often than not, halfheartedly, not daring to venture into the lands I had built with my mind. Give a little girl a piece of a paper and a pen, and a whole world can be created.

I made maps, I wrote stories, I drew pictures with my pencils. I explored every day and I fantasized many wonderful things. The world was a big, beautiful place, where the worst problems could be solved with a kiss and a piece of chocolate, or a bandage on a scratch. Each and every day brought more and more excitement and joy to my life, and I flourished in that vividness that was present. I dreamed of marvelous and beautiful things.

But then I decided I wanted to grow up.

I was tired of being little...at least, I thought I was. The long held attraction towards the beautiful, whimsical fantasies of youth snapped, and I decided that it was time for me to grow up. I couldn't wear make up at nine, I couldn't drive, I couldn't watch all the movies, I couldn't stay up very late, and I most certainly had to eat all of my vegetables. But I was determined that I would grow up--I had decided to become the grown up me that I imagined. In my mind, I saw myself going to movies and restaurants with my friends, showing my artwork at galleries, dancing and singing on Broadway, and signing autographs for my bestseller. The glamorous life of adulthood was what I wanted...or so I thought.

So I pretended to grow up. But I would sneak those little moments of pretend again, where I could once again journey to those lovely lands of whimsy and make-believe. The fairies that I saw in those dreams were much more present than the quickly fading appeal of adult-hood.

It's only now that I wish I could go back and be a little girl again. I want to go back and experience that innocent joy at the simplest of things.

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14

A part of the same verse in a different translation says, "God's kingdom is made up of people like these." And it truly is. Children believe in the bigger things, take joy in the little, and they are happy with the whimsical. They don't care if their hair is greasy, their fingers are sticky, and their clothes are a mess...they'll come up to you and give you. a big 'ol smooch and hug. Their grubby hands are the ones that hold the smashed up dandelions, a crumpled gift for momma. They're the ones we have to be careful around, because they're so easy to fall in love with. And they remember to dream.

And now, when I see this, it makes me happy.



It brings me back to memories of when I was that age as a little girl, and when I still believed in the beauty of my dreams. And it makes me feel as if I still could still pretend. As if I could slip on a flowy dress and go back in time to when the world was still big, big, big.....