Saturday, December 19, 2009

The Long Awaited for Nanowrimo Post

Here you go. I've finally posted this. An excerpt from my Nanowrimo novel (and the synopsis).

Of course, I do want your honest opinion. Note the honest. If there's something you don't like, then tell me. We can only improve after correction, otherwise we could keep on doing the same thing, over and over again, never realizing it was wrong.

But remember, it's unedited right now. (And unfinished, I might add)

So here you go: (summary and then excerpt)

Eirad lives in a world where power has corrupted even the most pure of people. Those who have technology are the gifted ones...but those who know nature are even more so.

Rogue teams have joined up, all in hopes that they will be able to overthrow the one who caused all the pain that ravaged their world. Alliances are formed, trust is broken, and a betrayal nearly ruins all chance that they have.

In a place so broken and destroyed, is it possible for it to be started anew? Or will it crumble and die...broken with the evil that engulfs. The one way for it to be reborn is to be remixed; to be cleansed of as much damage as possible, in order for balance to once again be achieved.

The odds against them, the rogue teams become an army, and amasses enough men to carry through their plan; with the help of several Nature Singers, they stand a chance against the technology and frightening forces of the enemy.

But when Eirad doubts; when she begins to lose faith...that is the most crucial moment of all. And before she continues, she must be remixed. Or else all chance of fixing the world will be gone.

Hannah Nicole, 2009

And an excerpt from Chapter Eight...

You are in danger. Eirad fingered the weathered paper she held in her hand. It was crumpled and dirty, but the ink was new.

Who could have sent such a thing? She wondered quietly, pocketing the note as she heard footsteps coming upstairs, silently praying that it was not Rormo who was coming to order her about.

The door swung open and Ronan swept in, his face red and his eyes flashing angrily.

“That—pig!” He spat out in rage. “That—vile—evil—son of a pig!”

Eirad sat calmly, used to Ronan’s tirade. She was not at all afraid of Rormo overhearing, for Ronan would never state such things when Rormo was near the house.

“What did he do now?” She sighed and braced herself for what he would say.

Ronan turned to her and grabbed her shoulders; she stiffened in his grasp as his fingers squeezed her.

“What—what is it?” Eirad gasped.

“You are in danger.” He only replied, and Eirad went cold as she recognized the same words from the scribbled note.

You are in danger.

“What makes you say that?” She asked, taking care to keep her voice calm.

“Because it’s true.” He answered, letting go of her and pacing her room.

She stifled a groan. “Ronan, just because you say it’s true—that does not make it mean that it’s. What proof do you have? What reason do you have for stating such a thing?”

“I overheard Rormo talking to someone about it. I was in town, and—lurking—in the shadows. I didn’t want Rormo to see me, for I was supposed to be at the shop.” He paused and shook his head angrily.

She nodded for him to go on.

“He was talking to someone about you, and I heard him say that, ‘I don’t like her, I don’t like the looks of her, I want her gone.’”

“Ronan, that could just be—he could be referring to—someone else, or—” Eirad could find no words. She put a hand to her head which came back strangely clammy; the room seemed to spin a bit and she reached out her hand to steady herself.

“Stop babbling, Eirad,” Ronan cried, stopping his pace mid-walk. “This is not something that I am making up! I heard Rormo say so—I heard it, Eirad.”

“I’m not babbling!” Eirad snapped angrily; glad that she could turn to an emotion other than fear. She waited for Ronan to respond but he was starting out the window, deep in though, his eyes burning. Finally, she spoke again, a slight tremor in her voice. “Are you—do you know for sure?”

He snapped his eyes from the window and turned his body to face hers. “Yes, I’m completely sure. I know not to whom he was talking to—and I am to much of a coward to stay and try to find out—but his meaning was clear. Too clear.”

“What are you going to do?” Eirad asked calmly. “We don’t know for sure that he means to kill me.”

“No, I know—I don’t know what to do. Perhaps,” He ran his hand through his hair tiredly, “perhaps we should just wait until something shifts—we’ll know something’s wrong. It will be—” He stopped abruptly and cocked his ear, and his face paled.

Eirad stilled and listened, her heart sinking as she heard heavy footsteps tromping up the stairs slowly, but purposefully.
Hannah Nicole, 2009

And from another part in the same chapter...later on...

Eirad was standing outside, facing away from the house and towards the trees—she was far from her home and any man-made structure; wanting a silent conclave with nature, to “hear” as Ebba would say.

The squish of footsteps in the warm mud snapped Eirad’s attention back to the conversation that she had had with Ebba.

Is Rormo acting already? Will he kill me now—will I die? She thought grimly. Her heart racing, she turned, bracing herself for the sight she thought to see—that of Rormo, leering wildly at her, ready to take her life.

Instead, Ronan’s face met hers—his jaw clenched and eyes smoldering.

“Oh.” She put her hand onto her heart. “Oh, it’s just—you.” She could not help but breathe out in relief, though she sought to disguise it by giving a cough afterwards.

“Ebba told me of how you must—” He clenched his jaw tighter and his hands curled at his side, “—she told me of how you must go.”

“Oh.” Eirad said flatly. “Yes. She spoke to me of it as well.”

“It’s not right—not right than Rormo should tyrannize over our home—you should not have to go.” He spat at the ground to the side of him and breathed out angrily.

“Ronan,” Eirad put her hand onto her cousin’s shoulder, “a great deal of things are not right in this world—this dying world of ours—but there is nothing that we can serve to do that would change them.”

“Yes, there are!” He cried fiercely. “You don’t have to go—we could threaten Rormo, expose him, we could—”

Eirad cupped his chin in her hands and pulled him sharply. “Ronan. Listen to me. There is nothing that we can do. I do not—I still do not fully understand the reasons as to why I have to leave, but my heart—” She paused and flushed a bit, “—my heart is telling me that it’s the right thing to do.”

“Why?” Ronan cried in a voice wrought with anguish. “You desire so greatly to leave? Why would this be the right thing?”

“Ronan, I already told you—I do not fully understand the reasons for this. But something tells me that this is right, and that it will lead to something—something that I cannot yet fathom.”

“You are beginning to sound like Ebba,” Ronan said bitterly, “with riddles lacing your tongue.”

“Why are you so angry about this?” Eirad snapped, her eyes burning, “there is nothing that we can do. I have to leave.”

“Because it isn’t right—it’s not right at all.” He growled and gave her a scowl.

“We’re talking in circles, Ronan.” Eirad said irritably.

Ronan stopped and stared at her, a faint smile touching his lips.

Eirad smiled back.

And it was in that moment that she knew she loved him.
Hannah Nicole, 2009

Ronan and Eirad are cousins, and Rormo is Ronan's stepfather. Ebba is the healer...and more than that. (not gonna say anything else on that right now though. ;) (As for the love between Ronan and Eirad, I'm using the fact that in olden times, cousins would marry cousins--families were intermingled. And so in my world, it "works" like that as well. Just so you don't go, "wait, love? ew...weirdo." ;)

Comments? I'd love to be critiqued on it. Like I said, it's nice to know what you need to improve.

But if there's something you like about it, don't hesitate to tell me as well. :)

Everyone likes a good review. ;)


  1. *mouth drops open* Hannah, that was soooo good! I want more! :D Wow!

    I know, I'm not "creeped out" by the fact that a cousin likes a cousin in your book. I knew that peeps used to do that, so I understand. :)


  2. I LOVE that part: "And in that moment, she knew that she loved him." SO well written. :)

    *Remix* is the BEST story I have ever read--as in not published. I--who have read it all 180+ pages carefully and slowly--have three words for you concerning Remix:
    Beautiful. Tense. Emotional.

    I was TEARING up when Veor died. Ronan BETTTER not die--or ELSE. I still think he and Eirad should get married, by the way.

    All your poems at the beginning of each chapter are SO beautiful. I love the first one!

    Remix is so emotional. Ohmiword, SO emotional. You voice Eirad, Ronan, Tealnyr, and Edana's grief so well, it's incredible. Much better, then--say--Paolini did. (I think you and Rowling are the most emotional authors I have ever read)
    I wish Veor didn't die though. *groans*

    And publish that part I emailed you about! That is like my favorite part of your WHOLE book. Oh, you know what you should do, I'll send the fifteen pages of all the things I liked, and you can post those. 'Cause those super-condensed fifteen pages are the best parts of your book. But maybe you don't want to publish the best part of your book because others might copy it, because, y'know, they ARE the BEST parts...meaning they're really good. :)

    Love you,

  3. That's amazing...I love reading what other girls my age write...It helps me to improve. Thanks for explaining the cousin thing. I really loved it!

  4. awesome, very well written, but maybe a little more action? Just a thought.


  5. WOW...*Jaw drops*. That was incredible! It's so good! I would definitly buy it when it's published.

  6. OK, you are an AMAZING WRITER!!!! WOW!! I can not wait to read the WHOLE THING!!! =)

  7. You have a gift, Hannah! Keep writing!
    Blessings and Merry Christmas!

  8. that was spectacular Hannah! you certainly do have a gift at writing!
    and as for the love between Eirad and Ronan, definitely not not weirded out by it... one of my favorite books has cousins who fall in love with each other.
    I would love to read what else you've written!


  9. Ha! Ronan! I wonder where you got THAT name for the RP!!

  10. You had BETTER LET ME READ THAT!!!!

  11. I'll be completely honest. I thought the excerpt was good. I liked it, though I'm not sure this would be a style novel I'd read personally.

    But the synopsis......... sorry, I didn't like it that much. That's the one thing that could really, really use some work.

    It feels very disjointed and give too much information while not giving enough. It feels like you give too much info about the later part of the book (as it would seem) while not giving enough basic information to allow me to know what exactly is going on.

    So that's one thing I'd take a look at.


  12. Wow. That was like amazingly awesome!!!! I want to read more!!!!!
    And I don't think the whole cousin thing is weird. It's just different which makes it cool and unique!

    Man I just can't get over how amazing this was!
    Your writing is SOOO beautiful! You use other words instead of "sad" and all that. I have a major problem with doing that and I'm trying to work in it =)

    love ya! A KEEP WRITING! This is SOOO good!!!!!


  13. WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are a really good writer!!!! But just a question Why didn't you give an excerpt of Chapter 8? just wondering... b/c it's kind of confusing at first b/c you do not know what is happening. But it's really good! I would really love to read more! Oh and are you still making blog buttons for people?

  14. As Eirad seems to be your Point of View character, you should try to get into her head more. How does Eirad feel about the warning note? Disbelief? Puzzlement? Anxiety? Why does Eirad believe Rormo would try to kill her? Simply because Ronan said so? Has Rormo threatened Eirad before?

    Omit quietly in “she wondered quietly”. Who wonders noisily?

    I think that if Ronan was truly mad and cursing he'd blurt out what had to say, which is "Rormo threatened you, Eirad!”, instead of repeating the warning.

    If I was in danger, I'd look quickly if I heard footsteps behind me.

    As Eirad cares for Ronan, I don't think she would say to him, "Oh, it's just you". Try losing the “just”.

    In my opinion, there are too many burning and snapping eyes, and an overabundance of dashes. I think you could do with more detailed descriptions and scene settings.

    Please take my comments as suggestions on how I think you could improve your writing. By all means, keep on writing!

  15. Honesty? Okay. It sounds full of potential. It's exciting.

    '“We’re talking in circles, Ronan.” Eirad said irritably.'

    Eirad's right. They talk in circles ALOT. Which takes the power away from your piece.

    Also, there's a LOT of passive voice in the opener thing.

  16. I am excited for you! It is really coming along.
    Your book has captured my interest and I can't wait to see were it takes you.

  17. I'll say the same thing I said to Bekah... and take heed, because I didn't truly learn these lessons until quite recently.

    1) Beware verbs of being. I counted about 16 "was"s in this excerpt. Way too many. Avoid was and were like the plague. Fix this problem with action verbs. Instead of "her hair was blonde" say "She flipped her blonde hair." See?
    2) NO -ly ADVERBS! This is a crutch for beginners. Your better than that. "He ran quickly." NO! "He sprinted" or "He dashed". Use better more descriptive verbs, adjectives, and nouns. NO ADVERBS!
    3) Speech attribution should be invisible. Only use "said" or "asked" as much as possible, unless there's no other way to describe the speech. You speech description should be apparent either by the context of what's said or a beat in between dialogue. "Don't do that!" he shouted. Shouting is obvious in the context. "Don't do that!" he said. How about a beat? "Don't do that!" He rushed to the child and snatched away the knife.

    Ok, I've rambled too much. I'd like either you or bekah to participate in this blog experiment I'm about to do. I'll be in touch. (PS... my current actual blog is