Monday, March 29, 2010

It's time to LIVE real and wholly and COMPLETE.

I was prompted by a post of Ab’s, to open my Bible after a long period of negligence. Negligence—time that I used in other ways. Instead of putting God first and foremost in my life, and dedicating my time to Him, I stuck Him on the shelf. It was always, “I have to do this and this and this, and then I can read my Bible and pray.” By that time, there was no time. I always managed to evade those precious moments.

Was it because I was afraid? Yes. Partially. The truth is, I didn’t want to submit to Him. It sounds funny, but I didn’t want to let Him work through me. If I submitted, that would mean that my life would change, and I didn’t want that change. It meant that I would become a part of Him, and in dedicating my life to Him, I would change. I would be different—I’d become a new person in Christ.

And that was scary to me. To throw away the old and put on the new. To embrace His plan and reject my own. To let go of what I want and instead, follow His path.

I didn’t want to. I fought against it for months. Yes, I’m a Christian, or at least I called myself one. There was no spark, no vividness. There was just numbness and coldness and tightness. Stretched and pulled taught, so close to snapping, so close to breaking.

I was just sitting there on that fence, waiting there and not doing anything. Staring longingly at those seemingly elusive fields and wanting to sink my toes into that rich grass. There wasn’t anything I could do about it—right? How could I just lower myself off of that fence? How could I just let myself go and dance in that wheat, feeling the wind on my face and the chirping of crickets…

There wasn’t any way that I could submit—could there be? I had barred myself from Him. I had filled my mind with Satan’s lies, “Oh, you don’t really believe. You can’t submit. Even if you do submit, you still won’t.” These lies plagued me, poisoned me—numbed me. They kept me on that fence and made me stay there. I couldn’t leave and let myself dance in those fields. I was stuck solid on the fence of disbelief and fear.

But that’s when I decided I was finally done with that sitting. I wanted to get up and MOVE.

I’ve had that revelation several times. “This will be it! This will be the time that I’ll get up and go! I won’t be passive—I’ll submit! I live completely and utterly for God.” But I’ve failed. I haven’t followed through. Truthfully, because I haven’t wanted to follow through. Okay, that’s not true. I HAVE wanted to follow through, but a part of me has barred me from that.

That same part that’s told me I’m not good enough to be a child of God, and that I’ll never be able to dance with Jesus—that’s the same part that kept me from submitting and following through. That’s the same part that told me there was no way that I could really become a follower of Jesus.

And today was the day to let that part GO. I read my bible. I prayed. And finally, I prayed that God would take that burden (and several others). I prayed that God would take things I’ve been struggling with, fears I’ve been having, doubts that have been plaguing me—I prayed that He’d take them from me. I didn’t need those burdens anymore—I didn’t need those fears, or doubts, or pains. I didn’t need those lies. I just needed Him.

It’s not a one time thing. There will be days that I’ll struggle. There will be times I’ll almost give up—times that I’ll just want to hold on to those burdens. But I’ll keep going. I'll keep praying. I'll keep letting go. I’ll keep fighting. This is my time to live vividly. This is my time to dance. This is my time to get off that fence and MOVE. Even if it means change. Even if it means becoming new. This is my time to become REAL and WHOLE and complete.

This is my time. And it’s now.

I won't let myself be held back by Satan's lies anymore. There is no more on the fence--there is no more sitting. It's time to get up and do something. It's my time to live--to live deeply and truly and wholly.

I've let go and I'll keep letting go. I'll keep praying to Him. I'll keep submitting--even if it's painful; even if I don't want to. It's continuous--it's every day--it's always. But it's real--that's what faith is. It's a continuous choice to KEEP believing. And I'll keep going. I'll keep believing.

I am FREE in Him. I am FREE to run, and to dance, and to LIVE.



  1. Dear Hannah...

    You have been submitting to Him these past months. I've seen it. Remember, just as you wrote, living your life to Christ is not a one time deal. It's every single day. Every one. I've seen you have off days, and still at the end of the day come back upstairs, apologize, and be joyful.

    You may think that you've been sitting on the fence for a long time, but my dear, I've seen you moving. I think that as we move we come to fences multiple times. It's when we get to those fence moments that we can recommit. If it was always smooth the deep need to live for Him would be dulled. It's in those times when we recognize the absolute necessity of falling flat on our face in front of Him that our walk is recharged.

    I am so proud of you. It takes a great deal of courage to write about one's journey. Your vulnerability has blessed me and I pray that it blesses all those who read these words.

    I love you greatly.


  2. Beautiful post--an ellaboration/re-telling of Ab's. Also--I know the deadness you felt...if only I could get off that fence...:(


  3. Bekah,

    Ab's post really brought to light that I was standing on another fence in life. This post was a peek into my journey to move off the fence...again. Her words really prompted me to move and write what was on my heart.


  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. (Hannah the deleted post above was from me. I wrote my comment on your computer and failed to check and see who was logged in. So I deleted it and copied and pasted it here. Love--your oh-so-untechie mother)

    You know what I love about walking this life journey together is how strong we become.

    I give this example to my boys, your brothers, about being a "band of brothers." I'll have one of them stand...alone...and then I'll try to push him over. And it's fairly easy to move him. Then I'll have two of them link arms...and it gets more challenging. By the time they are all linked they are much, much stronger then when they were only one. They were still individuals, yet united in one goal, one mind.

    As Christians it is such a blessing to have fellowship. I love how the thoughts of Abigail stirred movement in your heart, Hannah. And Abigail, I love how you wrote about it. Now think...because the two of you bared your souls, your own journeys, yet linked through the bond of friendship, you both, in fact, have become stronger. Just as my boys linked arms, we bloggers find fellowship and strength in each other. And in your strength and realness others can become stronger. I have blogged for years, and can truly tell you amazing stories of friendship formed through the art of the written word. Friendship that sticks, that is real...even in life's darkest hours.

    The amazing thing about blogging is that it allows us to remove the masks that hold us back. Once we begin to look at our words as less about self and more about edifying the body of Christ the stronger we grow. And that is all about letting go of our agendas, our popularity, and replacing it with Him.

    Hannah, again, I really thank you for writing this post. Keep linking arms. Everyone's journey is their own, but I can tell you that it is much less lonely to walk with a friend.

    Love you,

    Mom (again)

  6. Mmmm. So very true. I, like Bekah, need to get off the fence. I keep putting off spending time with Him-- time that is wasted.

    A very good post. It echoes what I was thinking earlier today. I'm going to take that as a hint that I really need to get off the fence.

    Love & Hugs

  7. Wow! My words seem lame after reading yours and your mother's.
    So, I guess I will just say thank you. Thank you for sharing your heart. Thank you for bravely typing your journey with Yahweh to show and encourage others. It reveals what a deep, kind, and true person you are.

    Hannah, the victorious and the gracious

  8. Wow. This is pretty crazy. I just posted something similar to your post. Abs post was so inspiring and eye opening... plus being at this christian workshop the past 3 days really opened my eyes to see I have SO much to work on! And that I wasn't living life like God wanted me too.
    Thanks for share this Hannah. I think its one of the best things to do. Admit you don't have it all together. Because none of us do. We just pretend we do. But in reality we don't. Its like, sometimes we need to reset our brains and do a life check...

    LOVED this post. Its so similar to what I'm going through and it was definitely made me feel better knowing I'm not the only one going through this type of thing. (:

    Love you!

  9. You seem to have something for living. And 'vividly,' at that. Interesting...

  10. Wow! You and Abigail have really inspired me today. What a beautifully written post. Just as I told Ab, will be the same I tell to you.... you are a very wise young woman. Thanks for sharing!

  11. Wow, Hannah... this post truly blessed me!! Sitting on the fence is something that I've been doing too much of lately. Thank you for encouraging me to get MOVING again!

  12. What a beautiful and thought provoking post. There are many times when I here the Lord calling me closer. Or feel His gentle nudge to get up and get moving in His direction. And even though my heart is stirred, I seldom move. I want to not only be stirred but moved. Thank you for this post!

  13. Hannah,
    I'm SO glad that my post inspired you to write this! Your heart is so beautiful, and you're absolutely right--it's a day to day commitment to be faithful. This post blessed me, as you continually do with your beautiful connection with our Creator. :)

    Love you!

  14. What a beautiful post from an obviously wise young lady. What a blessing young ladies like you are to this world...

    Thank you for the inspiration!
    Kathy C.

  15. Hi Hannah! What a beautiful post and blog you have! Thanks for stopping by mine so I could find yours! You are such a sweetheart and look forward to following your journey through life! :-)
    LOVE & HUGS,

  16. Amazing post, Hannah. You definitely need to name it "vivid".

  17. great post. it's so easy to leave the Bible on the shelf... but it makes life so meaningless. life comes alive when we are living for Him!

  18. I just need to thank the Lord for bringing me to yours, Ab's, Bekahs, and Morgans blogs. The things you guys write about are EXACTLY what I am going through. It's such a comfort to know that we are all going through it together, with the Lord on our side! May God Bless you Hannah.

  19. This is one great post! I remember stopping by when you where featured on Lynnette's blog, but it looks like you've changed your look since then? Or am I just THAT non-observant? Love your blog!

  20. I have to tell you. Your comment to me meant a lot. Sometimes I think I am the dorkiest person on the planet by my comments on other people's blogs. Thanks for the encouragement.
    So, I'm complementing your comment that complemented on my comment that complemented you.
    Whoa! I think I just confused myself.

  21. I found your profile on another blog I follow and I added myself to follow you.

    You are more than welcome to visit my blog and become a follower if you want to.
    ronj1946 at gmail dot com

    God Bless You, Ron