just life and stuff.

a few bits and pieces...
+ last week, I went to Maryland to visit ellie & go to kristen's storytime workshop. some of the best eight days ever. more (so much more) later.
+ I launched my new website & blog! eek eek eek EEEEEEEK. been on my heart for such a long time. so bittersweet to say goodbye to aspire / hannah nicole, my original blog, finally, but good to have a new beginning and I'll say it and be cliche, a new chapter. letting go and learning it's a good thing.+ that being said, excited to have this little space for personal stuff. having clearly defined professional & personal blogs is already so good for me.+ I almost stopped blogging but just couldn't give up this place and small space. blogging for me is going to look differently for a bit and again, I'm learning that's okay. I'm not a blogger but I am a storyteller and artist and photographer and writer who has a blog, so I'm not going to try to fit myself into what a blogger "should" look like or "should" do. I'm content with who I am and realizing that while I love it, blogging is not as big a part of my life anymore and it's a bittersweet but good realization.+ the 85mm has replaced the 35mm in my bag and I am so okay with that.+ also, thinking of summer projects and I keep coming back to writing and I'm trying to figure out what that means / what I'd like to do, but a book has been on my heart (okay, I have a lot of things on my heart) and I don't know if that would happen or what that would mean but it's something I'm thinking about. (that being said...well...there's a lot that I've been dreaming about lately)+ I bought a curling wand and it's pretty much the best thing to happen to me since black coffee.+ I had an incredible engagement shoot last night with two of the sweetest / funniest / down-right-wonderful people ever and it was just incredible for my soul. deep down in my bones, know that this is where I'm supposed to be and I am so grateful.+ it's sunny and warm and beautiful outside and my heart is about to burst.have a rich & wonderful Sunday!xo h

if there were words.

Be Good To You

Be yourself, truthfully

Accept yourself, gratefully

Value yourself, joyfully

Forgive yourself, completely

Treat yourself, generously

Balance yourself, harmoniously

Bless yourself, abundantly

Trust yourself, wholeheartedly

Empower yourself, prayerfully

Give yourself, enthusiastically

Express yourself, radiantly

-Tracey Steffy

learning to do just that.

photo from last summer by the always talented and ever dear & lovely allix.

Back to the Heart.

"Wedding photography has become more clever and creative, but it hasn’t gotten deeper. Timeless truths are hard to find in portfolios these days, but it’s really easy to find someone pushing the boundaries of composition or some other basic element of photography." - John Dolan

I read a wonderful article the other day called Rage against the Machine resonated with me (deeply) and struck a chord. Hard. Since I am new-ish to the photography industry, perhaps it's easier for me to see the patterns that I've slipped into unconsciously, if only because it's all very fresh. The other day, I went on a massive internet hunt and looked through more photos than I can count. Old masters of the decisive moment, or in Roger Scott's case, the irrevocable moment. I even went back to old flickr archives and photos and pored over the images that first drew me to photography, that first made me want to shoot. I went on a treasure hunt to find the photos that initially made me want to pick up a camera to try to figure out what I had left behind on the journey to where I am now.

And, most clarifying of all, I went back through my blog. Read old posts. Looked at old photos. Wondered and read through the lines and felt that spark of inspiration from when my goal (yes, I admit it) wasn't to get featured, or to get shoots, or to be anything more than I am. But to simply shoot. Not to shoot like this photographer or that but to shoot like me. To say something about the world I see.

In the current photography industry, photos are all beginning to look the same. (I'm speaking in generalities here) Even the most innovative or trendy photos seem to have a similar feel. But the curious thing...when you step outside the professional industry, there's a refreshing lack of sameness. Images look different. They're not all set up in the formulaic, this is how you shoot weddings / families / people, but instead, this is what life looks like right now. This is what I see. This is what I want to say about it.

It's interesting that we turn first to photography blogs, pinterest, or tumblr for inspiration, as if looking at shoots from other photographers will give us permission to shoot the "right" way, or even that we'll have a clearer idea of what our vision is as a photographer. We've set up photography industry giants and begun to hold them as the standard of what photography should be. And I am in no way saying that these photographers aren't good photographers -- far from it! why would we hold them to such high standards if they weren't? -- but that we cannot judge what a good image is based on what another photographer has shot. Yes, there are some tried and true ways to shoot things and some work and some don't, but it's only when we shrug off the wedding blogs and click exit on pinterest and stop poring over other people's work that we can begin to embrace our own. We cannot let another artist's journey be the map for our own.

I talk about getting back to the heart of it (a lot) because it's so important to me. Our problem today is not that we lack passion, but purpose. And a lack of purpose stems from an unclear vision, or rather, we've become a culture that is lacking the intentionality and heart behind what we do. We are passionate about things, yes! But why? Why do we take photos? To blog them? To show them to other people? To shoot for others? To be featured? To express ourselves? What is the core reason why we do things? As artists, we need to figure that out, we need to understand the driving force behind why we do what we do, otherwise we'll be creating for the sake of creating -- not because we have something to say. We've fallen into patterns that have been set up unconsciously as standards and what a "photographer" should do, and that's not only dangerous to our creative journey, but it's crippling for us as artists. We each have something wonderful and precious and unique to say, and if we're unsure of what it is, we are unable to bring it to the table. And we were created with a beautiful and authentic purpose and a story to tell that is completely, wholly, and uniquely our own.

I read something wonderful and eye-opening the other day -- a photographer talking about how as he was shooting more and more, he was sharing less and less, and shooting just for himself. And as a result, he started personal projects and saw growth in his photography in ways he couldn't have imagined. Or the other day, a status about how we don't need to have the pressure to share everything -- that in the beginning, people photographed for themselves. A post that I love from The Rhoads last year (no longer up) was when they were talking about how they took steps back from the internet, stopped looking at other photographers work, and simply shot -- a lot. And that's when they rediscovered their passion and vision for taking photos.

A curious note...I have never read a story of a photographer, writer, artist, blogger, or person who took a break (for a brief period of time or even longterm) from the constant hum of the internet, pressure to put everything out there, and struggle to stay on top of everything and on top in general, who regretted it. In fact, it's completely the opposite. The more people distanced themselves from the trends, followings, and constant noise, the more they found their voice, the more their work flourished, and the more they let go of things that didn't matter to chase things that do.

Like coffee dates or spending the time with your family. Going for a walk or playing a game, having lunch with a friend, reading a good book. Spending time outside, playing an instrument, going to a movie, listening to live music, writing, running in the morning, baking something tasty, and so on.. Yes. I'll sound like a broken record and repeat it over and over, but those things matter. More than I can say. They are not just items to fit into our schedule, they are what make our lives up. And not only that, those are the things that inspire our art. In the beginning, it wasn't pinterest, tumblr, wedding blogs, or the internet that inspired people...it was life. And it still should be. When we step away from what we "should be inspired by" we give ourselves permission to go back to our first loves -- the things and moments and people that inspired us before we got pulled into the constant hum of the internet. This very real life that we are living is what we should be drawing inspiration from -- not the next feature or the next post.

John Dolan (one of my favorite photographers) said, "I think the crux of the issue today is that the "Pretty" has become more valued than the "True". While each has it's place, we all know that our time is limited at a wedding and you have to use your time well." (via) Sarah Rhoads said, "To stop looking at what everyone else is doing & look deep within. From the heart is where the most beautiful work comes from. It is also where creative vision comes from. Honing that creative vision is the best thing we can do for ourselves as creative’s. It is what sets us apart from the pack." (via) AMEN.

What we've taken is an abundance of information and used knowledge of what other photographers do to make it that that's the only way to do it. For sure, there are general points of information we should know and follow and you can't sacrifice technical knowledge for vision. But when you start dictating a good shoot by poses or editing software or blog hits, then there's a serious problem. It's not about if it fits into the current trend. It's not about whether or not you used this camera or edited it with that software. It's about your heart -- your eyes -- what you as a photographer see and what you have to say about it. You've got a story thats all your own. So please (and I am speaking to myself here, I am writing this in big letters in my journal, and I am keeping this close to my heart), stop trying to tell someone else's and start living your own.

So. This is my challenge for myself and for you. Take a day off. Take two days off. Take two weeks off. Clean out your google reader. Unfollow blogs. Step away from pinterest, tumblr, facebook, the internet in general. Don't look at wedding blogs or other photographers for inspiration. Be inspired by this real and beautiful life you are living, and the wild, deep, and wonderful people you are doing life with. Stop trying to be different for the sake of being different and start being different because of what you have to say. But most importantly, start a personal project. Just for you. Take a series of photos, write a book, make an album, try cooking through a cookbook, catalogue each walk you take, whatever it may be -- except don't share it with anyone. At least, not yet. Work on your project for a month, six months, a year. Do it for yourself and later, when it's finished and when it's for you, show it to someone. But keep it to yourself and do it for you at first, not to share. Get back to the heart of creating and the why behind you do it.

Stop searching for what's trendy.
Start shooting what's true.

Much love,
Hannah

five spring inspirations + resolutions.

inspired by...
resolved to.
i. the fresh and clear, rich and earthy, sweet and peppery smell of spring.
breathe in this season. take walks, run in the morning, wake early to the sunrise. watch shadows stretch and lengthen with the sun, brew a long cup of tea, sit on the deck under light dappled by the first of buds and be still. have morning devotions on the porch and read a book on the front steps and pull a sweater tighter if you need to, but get outside. there's a whole world waiting and a new season unfolding and if you don't stop and look, you might miss it.

ii. the here and now before summer.
cultivate an explorer heart. go to museums. sit in coffee shops all day for the sake of people watching and order just one more latte or cappuccino or whatever it may be. make up stories and buy a cheap film camera solely for snapshots and go out to breakfast at mom and pop restaurants. buy concert tickets and go to the library and make lists. take your family on adventures that may just be a walk to the park. remember that small adventures are all part of the bigger story of your life.

iii. homemade, handmade, homegrown, from the heart.
make more. carry a sketchbook around for the purpose of seeing again in graphite and sketch at least a page, daily. pull out old watercolors and be okay with paint on your fingers. take up a new hobby and practice art and be okay with not being da vinci (no one is but him). read poetry and write your own, study the work of old masters, pluck out a tune on the piano. step away from the internet and give yourself room and breathing space to create by first being inspired by your own life.

iv. green food, whole food, clean living.
throw out Easter candy, stock up on produce, plan gardens. get in the dirt and pluck out the last of twenty twelve's weeds. make a meal plan and splurge one night on something extravagant and different, try new things. chew slower and try to pinpoint each flavor and drink more water. rest and move your body daily and eat good food. buy a different type of tea for each day of the week and spend time cooking meals that taste better because of the heart that went into them.

v. rich and true friendships.
write more letters. call your friend back immediately. write that email. take a friend to lunch or to coffee and spend an afternoon talking, even if it's only over a salad from Panera or a burrito from Chipotle (it matters). don't wait until it's your turn to speak but listen, really listen. put together a care package or a birthday gift or just get a small gift to say, "I'm so grateful for your friendship." plan summer adventures and Skype if you live far away and take time to invest in others lives as richly as they've invested in yours.

the shape of the weekend.

To live content with small means. To seek elegance rather than luxury, and refinement rather than fashion.
To be worthy not respectable, and wealthy not rich.
To study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly, to listen to stars, birds, babes,
and sages with open heart, to bear all cheerfully, do all bravely, await occasions, hurry never.
In a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious, grow up through the common.
This is to be my symphony."
- William Ellery Channing

He is risen indeed.

Still and quiet.Taking the weekend off social media to reflect, to be present, and to be intentional and purposeful -- to embrace and enjoy life, without my phone in hand or laptop on the table.Celebrating Easter with my family -- celebrating that He is risen!(My God is not dead, He's surely alive!)Happy early Easter to all of you. :)
love,hannah

it's okay to be messy.

I'm guilty of wearing masks.

Specifically, the lovely, I've got it all figured out.

It's easier to slap on a smile, put up a pretty photo, write a few words, and be done. Easy to blog a session or write about what is good, instead of what is hard. Easy to put on a face and skim the surface instead of being real and honest and raw. Easy to make it seem like my life is less than messy, more like a picture perfect magazine rather than being filled with grittiness and real things like staying up too late working and getting behind on deadlines and being insecure.

I want to be honest and real. I don't want to appear like I have it all together or because I'm doing so and so, I'm somehow "better" or "cooler" or "more professional." or I've somehow reached "that point" (whatever it is, it doesn't really exist), where I've got it all figured out. Because that is so far from the truth. :)

So. Here's the truth...

I still get nervous before every session.
I care too much what people think and struggle with my identity.
I fear I don't measure up.
I focus on my fears instead of resting in God's truth and promises.
I get stuck between pushing myself and being proud of myself.
I have trouble believing in myself.
I feel like I'm faking it and won't ever make it.
I struggle with punctuality and diligence every. single. day.

But there is grace in the midst of those real things. And I don't have it all together. Not by a long shot. But. I am learning. I am growing. I'm learning to let go of my perfectionism and to be confident in the gifts I've been given and use them to the best of my abilities...that doesn't mean I get a free pass to beat myself up if I "mess up" or don't meet my own expectations. There is a difference between pushing ourselves to be better and ignoring the strengths and gifts we do have, because we fear we don't measure up.

And I fear I don't measure up all the time. Because of my age. Because of where I'm at. Because I can't drive yet. Because I don't have ____ or _____(whatever it may be). Because I did or didn't receive this many comments (yes. even silly things like that). Because so-or-so is shooting these photos and I'm stuck in snowy Minnesota in gross March weather. Because I don't work out everyday or eat totally green and on and on.

But none of that matters. That's not where my identity lies. I can find joy and I can find who I am in the things of this world OR I can embrace who I am in Christ and this beautifully messy life I've been given.

Here's the deal. It's easy to reach a certain point and think that we've got it made. That as soon as we get to this many likes on Facebook, or buy this new lens, or get that many comments, or shoot this many sessions a year, or attend those conferences, or go to a photographer meet up, or get to that "point" -- whatever it is -- that we'll be good. That all our insecurities and fears will go away and somehow we will live in this overwhelming confidence. And those things are not necessarily bad -- in fact, they can be really good! But when we start basing our identity in where we're at instead of who we are in Christ, then we lose the heart behind what we do and who we truly are.

I struggle with my identity. I get nervous around other photographers, bloggers, and well, sometimes just people in general. I'm afraid that I don't measure up. I worry about whether people will like me and I put too much stock in what other people's opinions of me are, instead of being confident in who I am in Christ. And it's an everyday choice for me to focus not on what the world says, but what God says. That I don't have it all together and that's okay! I don't have to be perfect to be His.

It's okay to be messy.

"God speaks something meaningful into our lives and it fills us up and helps us change the world regardless of ourselves and our shortcomings. His name for us is His Beloved. He hopes that we will believe Him & start to see ourselves beloved instead of thinking up reasons we aren’t." — Bob Goff

today is the day.

I've been mulling over these words for weeks. Carefully, pulling them apart and putting them back together and seeing just how well (or poorly) they fit into my life. It's easy for me to put a mental bookmark on a quote or blog post and come back later to soak it in. It's easy for me to read a good word and skim through it with barely a passing thought.

But sometimes, there's a word that sticks and there's a thought that stays and this is one of them.

Today is the day.

I love all that it means and stands for. Today is the day to go for it. To do what you've been wanting to do or to take a leap and step out in faith. Today is the day to stop listening to fear and today is the day to try something new and today is the day to be fully present. I am Learning to live in the balance of the here and now. Appreciating today. Embracing the moments in front of me. Being present where I am. Being grateful for where I'm at. And in the same breath...

I am learning to wait. Learning to be patient. Learning to plant and sow and later, reap. Learning the balance of waiting and wishing away. Learning to let go. Learning to invest in people and their lives. Learning what it means to really love and live and be. And it's a beautiful and hard thing, but a good one.

Reconciling the poignancy and call to action of, Today is the Day, with the reality that there is still good to come.

I think it's important to live in both. And I think that neither of them are fully true by themselves, that we need each to even the other out. We can't always be living in today being the greatest and best, because the reality is that each day will be different. And there will be good days and bad days and days in between. Days scattered with joys like coffee dates and soul chats and wearing sandals for the first of spring. Simple things. And there will be days when you wake up too late, when you miss a call, miss a bus, miss a friend, when each minute feels a countdown until the next. But in the same breath, the reality is the popular phrase The Best is Yet to Come is not entirely true for this life on earth. If we keep wishing away our todays for tomorrows, we miss out on the beauty of here and now. But if we only live in this moment, we miss out on the wonder of dreaming for the future.

We need both.

Not to squander the precious and wild beauty of the moments we are in. Realizing that today is the day and we need to live in what we are given each moment. But also, to know that there is still good on the horizon. Onwards and upwards and inwards. The Holiday at the Sea. A balance of being grateful and present in each moment yet being ready and thankful for what is still to come. Praying for the faith and discernment to be present but also to be purposeful with what's next.

Today is the day to be present in this moment right here. The Best is Yet to Come for greater joys, deeper moments, richer minutes. Again. Onwards and upwards and inwards. Grateful for the good of now and waiting in patient expectancy of what is to come.

Have a rich and wonder filled weekend.
Much love.

slipped in a few photos from the summer between wintry ones.
so strange to look in the backyard to see snow deep on the frostbitten earth, and think, in a few weeks,
there will be grass again.
slowly,
peeking up.
poking through the memory of last year's winter.
barrenness broken for spring.

it's a beautiful thought.

for now, I dream of summer days and nights under the stars and (yes) freckles again.
a few lists. (number twenty four to thirty four)

have a friday filled with wonder.
ti amo. h

the shape of this week.

rings of old tea in nearly empty mugs.
running under clear sky.
homemade food.

the color of this week.

grey skies and swatches of blue (a watercolor).
red floral fabric.
black and white keys and sandy paper cups of coffee.

the sound of this week.

film scores.
running water running feet running music.
first words of what summer could be.

what i love about march.

fresh air.
song in the air or the presence of birds.
buds and green and life springing out of this white world.
unthawing and growth.
a small week of rest (spring break).
going outside without a coat (shhh).
making iced drinks again.
beginnings of plans.
evening light growing longer (ahhhh).
walks in the brisk spring air.
newness of thought and the world like a poem.

silly and or simple things i'm good at.

making this sweet & sour chicken (that's naturally gluten free!)
reading doctor seuss' tongue twister story to the littles perfectly all the way through.
...or almost perfectly.
quoting movies and slipping words from books into everyday conversation.
spelling.
rocking mismatched socks.
drinking tea.
procrastinating.
cheat on your neighbor (dutch blitz played with real cards)

and on the flip side, things I'm not good at.

making up riddles on the spot.
puzzles (the on the table kind).
cooking macaroni.
going to bed early.
saying no to dessert.

i'm craving.

summersummersummer.
going barefoot again.
the cabin, the lake, an adventure to be had.
the absence of coats.
plane terminals and being caught between sky and land.
vegetables from the garden.

i can't get enough of.

roasted brussels sprouts with balsamic, topped with caramelized walnuts and feta.
tea.
film scores.
summer days and old photos.
dark chocolate covered acai berries.

always thankful for but even more so this week.

good friends
cinnamon dolce lattes
afternoons spent in song
fresh groceries and little boys to get groceries.
coincidentally, mini carts that the littles can push around.
the beauty of beginnings (small and large).
weddings, coming up.
plane tickets and trips already planned.
salted caramel chocolates from trader joes

words i love.

cobbled.
slipped.
dichotomy.
honesty.
swatch.
shiver.
film.
rad.
gut (specifically following yours).