Back to the Heart.

"Wedding photography has become more clever and creative, but it hasn’t gotten deeper. Timeless truths are hard to find in portfolios these days, but it’s really easy to find someone pushing the boundaries of composition or some other basic element of photography." - John Dolan

I read a wonderful article the other day called Rage against the Machine resonated with me (deeply) and struck a chord. Hard. Since I am new-ish to the photography industry, perhaps it's easier for me to see the patterns that I've slipped into unconsciously, if only because it's all very fresh. The other day, I went on a massive internet hunt and looked through more photos than I can count. Old masters of the decisive moment, or in Roger Scott's case, the irrevocable moment. I even went back to old flickr archives and photos and pored over the images that first drew me to photography, that first made me want to shoot. I went on a treasure hunt to find the photos that initially made me want to pick up a camera to try to figure out what I had left behind on the journey to where I am now.

And, most clarifying of all, I went back through my blog. Read old posts. Looked at old photos. Wondered and read through the lines and felt that spark of inspiration from when my goal (yes, I admit it) wasn't to get featured, or to get shoots, or to be anything more than I am. But to simply shoot. Not to shoot like this photographer or that but to shoot like me. To say something about the world I see.

In the current photography industry, photos are all beginning to look the same. (I'm speaking in generalities here) Even the most innovative or trendy photos seem to have a similar feel. But the curious thing...when you step outside the professional industry, there's a refreshing lack of sameness. Images look different. They're not all set up in the formulaic, this is how you shoot weddings / families / people, but instead, this is what life looks like right now. This is what I see. This is what I want to say about it.

It's interesting that we turn first to photography blogs, pinterest, or tumblr for inspiration, as if looking at shoots from other photographers will give us permission to shoot the "right" way, or even that we'll have a clearer idea of what our vision is as a photographer. We've set up photography industry giants and begun to hold them as the standard of what photography should be. And I am in no way saying that these photographers aren't good photographers -- far from it! why would we hold them to such high standards if they weren't? -- but that we cannot judge what a good image is based on what another photographer has shot. Yes, there are some tried and true ways to shoot things and some work and some don't, but it's only when we shrug off the wedding blogs and click exit on pinterest and stop poring over other people's work that we can begin to embrace our own. We cannot let another artist's journey be the map for our own.

I talk about getting back to the heart of it (a lot) because it's so important to me. Our problem today is not that we lack passion, but purpose. And a lack of purpose stems from an unclear vision, or rather, we've become a culture that is lacking the intentionality and heart behind what we do. We are passionate about things, yes! But why? Why do we take photos? To blog them? To show them to other people? To shoot for others? To be featured? To express ourselves? What is the core reason why we do things? As artists, we need to figure that out, we need to understand the driving force behind why we do what we do, otherwise we'll be creating for the sake of creating -- not because we have something to say. We've fallen into patterns that have been set up unconsciously as standards and what a "photographer" should do, and that's not only dangerous to our creative journey, but it's crippling for us as artists. We each have something wonderful and precious and unique to say, and if we're unsure of what it is, we are unable to bring it to the table. And we were created with a beautiful and authentic purpose and a story to tell that is completely, wholly, and uniquely our own.

I read something wonderful and eye-opening the other day -- a photographer talking about how as he was shooting more and more, he was sharing less and less, and shooting just for himself. And as a result, he started personal projects and saw growth in his photography in ways he couldn't have imagined. Or the other day, a status about how we don't need to have the pressure to share everything -- that in the beginning, people photographed for themselves. A post that I love from The Rhoads last year (no longer up) was when they were talking about how they took steps back from the internet, stopped looking at other photographers work, and simply shot -- a lot. And that's when they rediscovered their passion and vision for taking photos.

A curious note...I have never read a story of a photographer, writer, artist, blogger, or person who took a break (for a brief period of time or even longterm) from the constant hum of the internet, pressure to put everything out there, and struggle to stay on top of everything and on top in general, who regretted it. In fact, it's completely the opposite. The more people distanced themselves from the trends, followings, and constant noise, the more they found their voice, the more their work flourished, and the more they let go of things that didn't matter to chase things that do.

Like coffee dates or spending the time with your family. Going for a walk or playing a game, having lunch with a friend, reading a good book. Spending time outside, playing an instrument, going to a movie, listening to live music, writing, running in the morning, baking something tasty, and so on.. Yes. I'll sound like a broken record and repeat it over and over, but those things matter. More than I can say. They are not just items to fit into our schedule, they are what make our lives up. And not only that, those are the things that inspire our art. In the beginning, it wasn't pinterest, tumblr, wedding blogs, or the internet that inspired people...it was life. And it still should be. When we step away from what we "should be inspired by" we give ourselves permission to go back to our first loves -- the things and moments and people that inspired us before we got pulled into the constant hum of the internet. This very real life that we are living is what we should be drawing inspiration from -- not the next feature or the next post.

John Dolan (one of my favorite photographers) said, "I think the crux of the issue today is that the "Pretty" has become more valued than the "True". While each has it's place, we all know that our time is limited at a wedding and you have to use your time well." (via) Sarah Rhoads said, "To stop looking at what everyone else is doing & look deep within. From the heart is where the most beautiful work comes from. It is also where creative vision comes from. Honing that creative vision is the best thing we can do for ourselves as creative’s. It is what sets us apart from the pack." (via) AMEN.

What we've taken is an abundance of information and used knowledge of what other photographers do to make it that that's the only way to do it. For sure, there are general points of information we should know and follow and you can't sacrifice technical knowledge for vision. But when you start dictating a good shoot by poses or editing software or blog hits, then there's a serious problem. It's not about if it fits into the current trend. It's not about whether or not you used this camera or edited it with that software. It's about your heart -- your eyes -- what you as a photographer see and what you have to say about it. You've got a story thats all your own. So please (and I am speaking to myself here, I am writing this in big letters in my journal, and I am keeping this close to my heart), stop trying to tell someone else's and start living your own.

So. This is my challenge for myself and for you. Take a day off. Take two days off. Take two weeks off. Clean out your google reader. Unfollow blogs. Step away from pinterest, tumblr, facebook, the internet in general. Don't look at wedding blogs or other photographers for inspiration. Be inspired by this real and beautiful life you are living, and the wild, deep, and wonderful people you are doing life with. Stop trying to be different for the sake of being different and start being different because of what you have to say. But most importantly, start a personal project. Just for you. Take a series of photos, write a book, make an album, try cooking through a cookbook, catalogue each walk you take, whatever it may be -- except don't share it with anyone. At least, not yet. Work on your project for a month, six months, a year. Do it for yourself and later, when it's finished and when it's for you, show it to someone. But keep it to yourself and do it for you at first, not to share. Get back to the heart of creating and the why behind you do it.

Stop searching for what's trendy.
Start shooting what's true.

Much love,
Hannah

five spring inspirations + resolutions.

inspired by...
resolved to.
i. the fresh and clear, rich and earthy, sweet and peppery smell of spring.
breathe in this season. take walks, run in the morning, wake early to the sunrise. watch shadows stretch and lengthen with the sun, brew a long cup of tea, sit on the deck under light dappled by the first of buds and be still. have morning devotions on the porch and read a book on the front steps and pull a sweater tighter if you need to, but get outside. there's a whole world waiting and a new season unfolding and if you don't stop and look, you might miss it.

ii. the here and now before summer.
cultivate an explorer heart. go to museums. sit in coffee shops all day for the sake of people watching and order just one more latte or cappuccino or whatever it may be. make up stories and buy a cheap film camera solely for snapshots and go out to breakfast at mom and pop restaurants. buy concert tickets and go to the library and make lists. take your family on adventures that may just be a walk to the park. remember that small adventures are all part of the bigger story of your life.

iii. homemade, handmade, homegrown, from the heart.
make more. carry a sketchbook around for the purpose of seeing again in graphite and sketch at least a page, daily. pull out old watercolors and be okay with paint on your fingers. take up a new hobby and practice art and be okay with not being da vinci (no one is but him). read poetry and write your own, study the work of old masters, pluck out a tune on the piano. step away from the internet and give yourself room and breathing space to create by first being inspired by your own life.

iv. green food, whole food, clean living.
throw out Easter candy, stock up on produce, plan gardens. get in the dirt and pluck out the last of twenty twelve's weeds. make a meal plan and splurge one night on something extravagant and different, try new things. chew slower and try to pinpoint each flavor and drink more water. rest and move your body daily and eat good food. buy a different type of tea for each day of the week and spend time cooking meals that taste better because of the heart that went into them.

v. rich and true friendships.
write more letters. call your friend back immediately. write that email. take a friend to lunch or to coffee and spend an afternoon talking, even if it's only over a salad from Panera or a burrito from Chipotle (it matters). don't wait until it's your turn to speak but listen, really listen. put together a care package or a birthday gift or just get a small gift to say, "I'm so grateful for your friendship." plan summer adventures and Skype if you live far away and take time to invest in others lives as richly as they've invested in yours.

it's okay to be messy.

I'm guilty of wearing masks.

Specifically, the lovely, I've got it all figured out.

It's easier to slap on a smile, put up a pretty photo, write a few words, and be done. Easy to blog a session or write about what is good, instead of what is hard. Easy to put on a face and skim the surface instead of being real and honest and raw. Easy to make it seem like my life is less than messy, more like a picture perfect magazine rather than being filled with grittiness and real things like staying up too late working and getting behind on deadlines and being insecure.

I want to be honest and real. I don't want to appear like I have it all together or because I'm doing so and so, I'm somehow "better" or "cooler" or "more professional." or I've somehow reached "that point" (whatever it is, it doesn't really exist), where I've got it all figured out. Because that is so far from the truth. :)

So. Here's the truth...

I still get nervous before every session.
I care too much what people think and struggle with my identity.
I fear I don't measure up.
I focus on my fears instead of resting in God's truth and promises.
I get stuck between pushing myself and being proud of myself.
I have trouble believing in myself.
I feel like I'm faking it and won't ever make it.
I struggle with punctuality and diligence every. single. day.

But there is grace in the midst of those real things. And I don't have it all together. Not by a long shot. But. I am learning. I am growing. I'm learning to let go of my perfectionism and to be confident in the gifts I've been given and use them to the best of my abilities...that doesn't mean I get a free pass to beat myself up if I "mess up" or don't meet my own expectations. There is a difference between pushing ourselves to be better and ignoring the strengths and gifts we do have, because we fear we don't measure up.

And I fear I don't measure up all the time. Because of my age. Because of where I'm at. Because I can't drive yet. Because I don't have ____ or _____(whatever it may be). Because I did or didn't receive this many comments (yes. even silly things like that). Because so-or-so is shooting these photos and I'm stuck in snowy Minnesota in gross March weather. Because I don't work out everyday or eat totally green and on and on.

But none of that matters. That's not where my identity lies. I can find joy and I can find who I am in the things of this world OR I can embrace who I am in Christ and this beautifully messy life I've been given.

Here's the deal. It's easy to reach a certain point and think that we've got it made. That as soon as we get to this many likes on Facebook, or buy this new lens, or get that many comments, or shoot this many sessions a year, or attend those conferences, or go to a photographer meet up, or get to that "point" -- whatever it is -- that we'll be good. That all our insecurities and fears will go away and somehow we will live in this overwhelming confidence. And those things are not necessarily bad -- in fact, they can be really good! But when we start basing our identity in where we're at instead of who we are in Christ, then we lose the heart behind what we do and who we truly are.

I struggle with my identity. I get nervous around other photographers, bloggers, and well, sometimes just people in general. I'm afraid that I don't measure up. I worry about whether people will like me and I put too much stock in what other people's opinions of me are, instead of being confident in who I am in Christ. And it's an everyday choice for me to focus not on what the world says, but what God says. That I don't have it all together and that's okay! I don't have to be perfect to be His.

It's okay to be messy.

"God speaks something meaningful into our lives and it fills us up and helps us change the world regardless of ourselves and our shortcomings. His name for us is His Beloved. He hopes that we will believe Him & start to see ourselves beloved instead of thinking up reasons we aren’t." — Bob Goff

and if the music is good, you dance.

I've been incredibly convicted with how I'm living my life. Where I'm going. What I'm doing to get there. What I'm filling my minutes and moments and days with. If the music is good, you dance. I love that. It's simple, straight to the point, and so poignant. You have one life to live, one beautiful and painful and precious life to live and give...what are you going to do with it?

Steadfastness is my heart and I have been anything but lately. Which makes me grateful that it's my word for this year, because I know that it's a good one to focus on, a good word to hold fast to these fast-moving months that make up 2013. I struggle and fail and forget that there is grace for my failings, that in my weakness, He is perfect strength. I struggle and put it all on my shoulders and feel frustrated that I am not enough.

But I am not enough and never will be. The beauty of grace is that when we have nothing to give, He gives all the more. I don't understand it. I can't even begin to explain it, everything I write to try to describe it is like the mere sheen of water on glass. But I see it. See it in people and their lives around me, I see it in the way hearts are changed, I see it in who Jesus is and who is people are. And I want to be like Him.

We know who we are because of who He is.

There are so many words I could tack onto my about page that would "define" me, so many labels I could plaster onto myself like a tag on a shirt. Photographer. Writer. Sister. Singer. Daughter. Friend. Artist. Thinker. Dreamer. Granddaughter. Cousin. Doer. Planner. Procrastinator. Creative. Niece. Journaler. Pianist. Reader. Dancer. And on and on and on.

I don't want people to look at me and think, she's a good photographer.
I don't want people to look at me and think, she's a good writer.
I don't want people to look at me and think, she's a good singer.

No. No. No. I want people to look at me and see Jesus. I want people to see Jesus in me, want to be a woman of faith, I want more than anything to be known for who I lived for rather than what I did. I want to pour into people's lives, I want to be genuine, I want to adventure and bless and live out this little, beautiful, wild, and wonderful life I've been given to the best of my ability. And in the end, I want to lay it all down and know that it wasn't about me, and it never was. That everything I did was for Christ.

But I can't do that if I keep living the way I'm living.

Wasting time. Pushing people aside. Living out of entitlement instead of thanks, pursuing more instead of what is here. Not investing in what's important. Trying to be someone I'm not and trying to fit myself into the culture's cookie cutter mold of who I "should" be and what I "should" do. Letting myself be stereotyped and losing sight of my heart in the midst. Not seeking Jesus daily.

Ouch. It's painful and embarrassing and hard to admit.

Because I am selfish. I snap at my family. I struggle daily with pride and have a sharp tongue. I can be lazy. I don't always like to clean and even though I have been given much and shown abundant grace...I complain. I struggle with contentedness, wrestle with letting go, and hold fast to my ideals of perfection. I waste time, I blur the line between honesty and flattery. I can be rude. I sleep in late. I don't always live in grace. I fear. I worry. I hurt others with my words and actions. I put aside what should be today for tomorrow. And I fall short of the mark every. single. day.

The world says to hide your brokenness and the messy, dirty, gritty parts. But Jesus says to bring it all to Him. To open up your hearts and show the ugly parts. I forget sometimes, that He knows me in and out, knows how I've failed, knows how I've succeeded, knows my heart, knows my dreams, knows me better than I know myself. And in bringing my brokenness to the cross, it can become something beautiful. A Joseph story. Beauty from ashes, streams in the desert. Making my wilderness like Eden.

All you need is 20 seconds of insane courage, right?

This is my 20 seconds of insane courage. It may be small. But it's something that's been pressing upon my heart more and more. My soul needs time to be quiet, away from the internet's constant noise, telling me I did or didn't make / do / wear / shoot / write / and on and on. I need some time to pray about my photography, about where His heart is for me and my life, what my ministry and my calling is.

But mostly. I need time to learn how to be present. Right here, right now. I want to fully grasp this wildly extravagant life gift. ("If death got the upper hand through one man’s wrongdoing, can you imagine the breathtaking recovery life makes, sovereign life, in those who grasp with both hands this wildly extravagant life-gift, this grand setting-everything-right, that the one man Jesus Christ provides?" - Romans 5:17 MSG)

I am called to live today. Not as so-and-so, but as Hannah. I have to take time to start to learn and understand what that means. Who I am in Christ and who I am called to be and what I am called to do. I want to be generous with my life and love. I want to be a woman of extravagant grace. And I want to be brimming with thankfulness, steadfast, seeking Jesus and living the life I have been given to the fullest measure.

And the truth is...I can't do it. It's not by my own strength, not by my own "goodness," not by my own gifts. It's not about me. It's not what I am doing, but what He is doing in me. And He who began a good work in me is faithful to bring it to completion. AHHH. What a comfort for my heart. He is FAITHFUL, even when I am not. His character does not change. He is who He is, always.

"Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God's action in them find that God's Spirit is in them - living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life." - Romans 8:5-6

"Answer this question: Does the God who lavishly provides you with his own presence, his Holy Spirit, working things in your lives you could never do for yourselves, does he do these things because of your strenuous moral striving or because you trust him to do them in you? Don’t these things happen among you just as they happened with Abraham? He believed God, and that act of belief was turned into a life that was right with God." - Galatians 3:5-6

So, beautiful friends. I'm taking an internet fast. I won't be online (blogger, twitter, or pinterest) for the next few weeks. I might pop in on my Facebook page to put up a photo of recent happenings, but other than that, I'm taking a break from the blogworld. I will still be doing work, and if you have a question, shoot, or would just like to chat, you can email me (hello[@]imhannahnicole[.]com).

Much much much love to all of you.

Hannah

let life unfold.

Between coffee dates with $3.48 lattes at Target, quiet afternoons doing nothing in particular at grandma and grandpas, and writing about summer memories at the lake (in particular, the beauty of night-swimming lit only by the flickering of the stars and the dim boat light), the past few days have been rich in friendship, in simplicity, in honest living not limited by 140 characters.

Summer reminds me how life should be. Barefoot in the grass, fresh food, friends within walking distances, and a sense of adventure in the air. I wish I had left my suitcases packed, so I could unzip them and smell the salt and sand and earth on my clothes, feel that summer sun on my skin, remember the whimsy and spontaneity that comes of weeks unburdened with schedules. Perhaps the greatest gift of the summer is an understanding that this life is wild and precious. What we do matters. I want to let life unfold. Simply. Honestly. Wholly.

Blogging requires a balance that I've been lacking. As a result, I'm left trying to steady and even out the scale, searching for the fulcrum. I've been dreaming of taking a blog fast for awhile now, but I haven't because the thought of not being caught up on the internet's happenings stresses me out. The pressure to be on top of everything online is nails on a chalkboard, wet socks on a negative temperature day, a cold in summertime. All the time I invest in online relationships (or my online "presence") takes away from the relationships with people I'm living life with.

As humbling as it may be to admit it to myself, it's refreshing. Here is the truth: I am not a big deal and nor do I want to be. It's all about Jesus and I hope that every story I photograph, write, or sing would point back to Him. And the internet will be fine without me. :) People and their lives and stories are more important than a new post every day.

Where do you need to simplify?
What makes your heart beat faster?
Where do you need to change?
What do you need to cut back on, de-clutter, get rid of?
and
What is holding you back?

They're all things I'm learning to ask myself and be honest with the answer. I wish it was a school test, where I could fill in a, b, c, or d, but life isn't easily answered with a multiple choice question. I am simplifying and letting go and learning what that means in my life, and it's good.

I do know this : It means saying hello to more early mornings with the sun stretching across the sky, reading more books and less blogs, and cooking good food. It's the difference between hearing a song on the radio or listening to it live, it's the grace caught in the quiet moments when we remember this deeper story we're living out. New adventures, travels with nothing but a suitcase and a camera to see, remembering how we lived before the internet. And I see it like a gathering in the woods -- we'll each bring a homemade goodie (I'll bring the apple pie), string up some fairy lights (convinced that they're the little extra in the ordinary), and laugh late into the stars.

In case it looked like I was saying goodbye to this blog, let me tell you, no. :) I am refocusing and going back to the heart of this site, but I'm keeping this little space here. It's dear to me and I'm grateful for the opportunities that have opened up and friendships that have been formed because of it. It'll be different in ways I'm still wondering / mulling about in the next few months, but I'm excited to make some (much-needed) changes.

Have a really wonderful Monday. :)

xo h

winter lists on a thursday morning.

Lists are so dear to me partially because they're unique to the moment you wrote them. From grocery lists of avocado and bacon (sandwiches must be for lunch) from to-do-lists detailing the day (run in the morning, school in the afternoon, piece time together for coffee around three). Snapshots of the ephemeral minutes caught in loops of italics or squat letters. There's a coffee stain on that page, dried crumply, and the smudges of books I want to read leaked down the page. I pasted my movie ticket from staying up till three on that one above a scrawled to-do-list, written sloppily in the curves of no sleep. And like flowers in my hair, flipping pages in my journal back to June reveal smaller lists that smell like summer. Walk to Caribou. Run through the sprinkler and act like I'm seven, at least once. Make root beer floats. All accomplished.

The "here-now" of these lists tug my heart, and I see some crossed off, others standing bold and waiting to be done. Wintertime is very much different from summer, and similar pages covered with plans read much like a song. Make soup for dinner, wild rice and chicken. Bundle up before a walk, remember a scarf. Buy more chai, we're out. Shovel the driveway after it's finished snowing. If I was a poet I would write a piece but for now, I'll catch syllables between rhythms and round the rhymes into letters half between cursive and print that range from words between clean my room and buy a birthday gift for Chloe. And yet, there's pieces caught between the lines, like a fish darting through reeds. My line is cast and I sit quietly in a boat alongside my family, holding my pole tight and waiting to snag words. I'm a fisher woman of stories and stories in all forms, from photos to books to music to drawings to designs to the halfway letters of a list not finished. I collect the discarded grocery lists in the bottom of my purse, the leftover pages of a packing list for Texas crumpled in the back of my suitcase, a few hurried lines of to-do before dinner barely written before begun.

There's a beauty and grace to the change of seasons and the differences that come in our homes and hearts within them. Winter is for quiet and abundance of simple, friends and family gathered together. If we had a hearth, ours would be lit. I'm sucker to the romantic and pretty things but will not disregard the simple, because honesty is the best. Lists fifteen to twenty three, all before lunch.

things that catch my eye.
light
hands
quirks
wispy curls
steam and smoke and fog
reflections
dabs of color
continuity errors in movies
textures

books I'm reading.
Leavings by Wendell Berry.
Vivian Maier - Street Photographer
Journey of a World Changer by Banning Liebscher
The Book Thief by Markus Zusak(never not)
The Bible
Love Does by Bob Goff.

a (few) songs that I could hear over and over again.
This Love Won't Break Your Heart by Annalise Emerick.
Love you More by Misty Edwards.
Mile Marker by Amy Seeley
Home by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes.
Something in the Water by Brooke Fraser.
After the Storm by Mumford & Sons.
Yellow by Coldplay.
We Bought a Zoo by Jonsi.
100 Years by Five for Fighting.
Somewhere Only We Know by Keane.
Hallelujah by Rufus Wainwright.
Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men.

things I don't want to purchase (but need to anyways).
a haircut.
an external harddrive.
new shoes for this year's wedding season.
memory cards.
new jeans.

what I want to get better at this year.
going to bed early.
giving grace (always).
making my bed.
being intentional with my time.
eating healthier.
affirming.
creating art that matters.
baking gluten free.
punctuality.
self portraits.

some things I'm excited about.
weddings this year. (!!!)
traveling plans.
being healthy.
the weekend.
going shopping for food.
making banana "ice-cream" later today.
new projects.

names I like.
scout.
plum.
james.
aubrey.
birdy.
jovie.
walter.
bethy.
lauryn.
danny.

plans for the rest of the week.
take a walk.
go out for lunch &or coffee.
finish work before saturday.
make a cake for Chloe's birthday.
mail letters.
finish my moleskine.
get my inbox cleaned.
tidy my room & declutter & simplify.
have a chick-flick / movie night with chloe.

outside my window.
white Christmas lights dangling on the empty branches of our tree.
an acrylic sky painted blue.
snow on roofs.
a snowy yard crisscrossed with footprints from boots.
sunlight warm across the neighborhood.
a half finished snowman.
quiet.

pieces of grace.

Hello, how are you, happy new year?

I feel the pull to write something poetic or meaningful that will usher in 2013 for this little blog of mine. But life is pretty much the same here.

We are still hoarding tissue boxes and swapping cough drops out for candy, while spending much time napping, watching Full House re-runs and drinking hot tea. I've switched out my normal chamomile for apple cider vinegar with honey "tea" (don't knock it till you try it) and the past few days have been spent working on work that I ended up getting behind in when I got sick.

I went outside today, for the first time in over a week (literally -- stuffy noses don't bode well with Minnesota winters). We've been graced with a fresh dusting of snow to patch up the bald spots in our yard from heavy snowman making, snow fort shoveling, and the packed places that are pictures of boots stomping in the cold. I wanted to go for a walk today, in the crackly white snow almost like ice underfoot, but that would have been terrible for a cold. So I stayed indoors and listened to Passion 2013 (so good, friends! I'm hoping to go with my dear friend Morgan next year! if you haven't been listening to the Live Stream, go buy yourself a digital all access pass).

I've been sleeping in late, partially because I've been staying up late reading my Bible. It sounds counterintuitive, but I'm thankful for this sickness. I never thought I would say that! But the past week has truly been a testament to God's faithfulness and a picture of how He can bring good out of all situations. Because I've been sick, I've had so much time of rest. And I've been able to dig into God's Word, to pray, and I've been learning to seek God again. There is a fire in my heart, a thirst that cannot be quenched!

I haven't been earnestly seeking God the past few months and I've been in a place of spiritual dryness. It's been a place of so much struggle. I loved God but didn't live for Him, and I believed Him but didn't know Him. But Jesus (oh, sweet Jesus!) in His mercy and love has drawn me back to Him, in deeper and better ways than I could have imagined. He has given me a thirst for His word, a hunger to know Him, a fire for my call, a deeper love for His people, and He has changed my heart.

"Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ" - Philippians 3:8

Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. Amen! This is my heart. Never before have these words resonated so deeply in my spirit. I love how the Message puts it..."And why? Because of Christ. Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant—dog dung. I’ve dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him."

I cannot emphasize what a deep change the Lord has made in my heart. Everything that I once thought was so important seems so insignificant just because of the pure joy of knowing Jesus! What a privilege and what a joy to know Christ our Savior and be called His own! I've been listening to worship music all day (if you're following me on twitter, you've probably seen the multitude of lyrics I've tweeted) and they have been such a comfort to my heart. I am learning of God's faithfulness, I am tasting richly of His goodness, I am drinking deep draughts of God! (Psalm 42 MSG)

There is so much God has done in my heart in 2013 already, that I am amazed and humbled. "You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." - Jeremiah 29:13 When we seek God, we will find Him. What does that mean? I know that it's so much more than my feeble attempts in the past few months, a couple pages of rushed through readings in the Bible and hasty prayers uttered before bed. To seek is to go and search, earnestly, for our treasure ("For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." - Matthew 6:21). I want to seek Jesus. I don't want my treasure to be in anything in this world but in Christ alone.

I cannot even describe the difference in my heart -- it's truly as if God lifted a veil and I can see things for how they are. Never before have I experienced such a joy in knowing Jesus! I have some serious times of journaling and changes in my life ahead, because Jesus has made a 180 in my life. I'm excited to see what the Lord continues to do in my heart and excited to see all that He does throughout my life this year. There is so much I could say, so much I want to share, but this post would become very long. :) I'm so grateful that it's 2013 and grateful that I have time to be quiet and rest and plan for this year.

There is no truer love than this love.
I stand amazed in the presence of Jesus.
We are His.
There is nothing sweeter than being called Christ's own.
His children, His beloved, His people.
so much joy for my soul!

So, sweet friends. Happy 2013. Let me know how I can be praying for you!

"and so the story goes..." : a year that was full, my word for 2013, and where my heart is.

Oof. Where do I even begin? 2012 was so full.

Full of beauty. Full of newness. Full of grace. Full of hard things. Full of joy. Full of tears (I cried a lot). Full of laughter (I laughed a lot). Full of traveling. Full of goodbyes and hellos. Full of new things. Full of beginnings and endings. Full of dreams. Full of disappointments. Full of excitement. Full of plans. Full of food (so much food). Full of early mornings and late nights and sunrises. Full of bittersweet moments and sweet memories. Full of heartbreak (yes). Full of healing. Full of redemption. Full of wonder.

2012 was also a year of firsts.

First wedding I shot.
First "official" year of business.
First time flying by myself.
First time in seven years without ballet.
First summer trips by myself.
First website.
First "big" camera purchase.
First time making a short film.
First blog meet-ups with people who are now some of my dearest friends.
First year as an official member of the worship team.
First summer I felt a little bit "grown-up."

I tried to write down resolutions, but I kept coming back to three things. Throughout this sickness for the past few weeks, God has been doing good things in my heart and I've been extremely blessed by the truths and promises He's given me. One of the nice things of being sick is having ample quiet time to read and reflect. I've read through Ephesians and Galatians and journaled truths that have been on my heart not only in the past weeks, but this entire year. Some of my favorite words from Ephesians (in the Message translation)...

"...He takes us to the high places to blessing in Him."

"He wanted us to enter into the celebration of His lavish gift-giving by the Word of His beloved Son."

"It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for."

"He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join Him in the work He does, the good work He has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing."

"Live full lives, full in the fullness of God."

"I want you to get out there and walk -- better yet, run! -- on the road God called you to travel!...And mark that you do this in the humility and discipline -- not in fits and starts but steadily, pouring yourselves out for each in acts of love, alert at noticing differences and quick at mending fences."

"Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly, what God does is love you. Keep company with Him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us, but to give everything of Himself to us. Love like that."

"So watch you step. Use your head. Make the most of every chance you get!"

2012 has been a year that God has shown His faithfulness. I have tasted His goodness and have been overwhelmed with who He is. I look back through my journals from this year and I love seeing how the Lord used instances that were so difficult and painful to walk through to deepen my faith, change my heart, and strengthen who I am. Beauty from brokenness, making my wilderness like Eden. (there is such comfort for my heart in that truth!)

"For the Lord comforts Zion; he comforts all her waste places and makes her wilderness like Eden, her desert like the garden of the Lord; joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the voice of song." - Isaiah 51:3

This year has been a year of rawness. Of honesty, of changes, of finding out what makes my heart tick. And there has been so much joy, but there has also been grief. And like every year, every day, this year has been a lesson in learning to let go. Not only just letting go, but in the discovery that when do, we can live with open hands to receive greater things.

John 10:10 has been on my heart daily for the past few months. "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I [Jesus] came that they may have life and have it abundantly." And 2012 has been an example of that. I have not only tasted God's goodness, but I have experienced it and have experienced a fullness of life that comes only from Christ. I love that Jesus says He came to not just give life, but abundant life.

This past year, I've done more than I could have imagined, I've traveled farther than I could have dreamed, and I've met so many people who have become some of my closest and dearest friends. Some of my favorite memories include night swimming at Bemidji, that one time on the dock with the sky so blue and so wide at Woodland, the first sight of Texas on the plane, seeing Caleb's joy at Duluth, the crazy wonderful days in Fargo, singing with two wonderful friends, picking apples come autumn at grandma and grandpa's, the freezing retreat with my youth group in February, sitting in the theater at midnight with some of my best friends, buying my camera at MOA with my mom, all the many coffee dates with sweet drinks and sweeter friends, going to the zoo with my whole family, and all of the wonderful people I was blessed to come alongside and take photos for.

And so, it's a little bittersweet, partially because nostalgia is my second language, but I'm ready to say goodbye to 2012 and welcome 2013. And with that comes resolutions, goals, and dreams for the new year.

My heart for 2013 is to love and know God deeper, to love others like Jesus (extravagantly, unconditionally, intentionally) and to bless people. I have goals and dreams, but those are the three things I want to focus on. Not in a sense of a checklist, but just where I want my heart to be.

This year, my word was Be. And it was something that I needed to focus on, needed to remind myself of, almost daily. I had such a difficult time finding a word for 2012, but 2013 has been impressed upon me for the past few months. In 2011, I mused on rooted. 2012, I mulled over Be. And in 2013 (ah! I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around that date!), my word is Steadfast.

Steadfast.
fixed in direction; firm in purpose, resolution, faith, attachment, etc., as a person: a steadfast friend. unwavering, as resolution, faith, adherence, etc.

I'm good at starting things, not so much at finishing things. This year, I want to truly be steadfast -- in my time, in my faith, in my relationships, in my art, in my words, in my life. I want to be known as someone who is dependable, and I want to be firm in purpose, unwavering in who I am and what I'm called to do. I want to be a woman who is steadfast. I pray that more and more, every day, my heart would be steadfast, firm in truth, fixed in direction, and consistent in purpose.

While I have a review of the year coming in the next few weeks, and some more specific goals for 2013, this is what has been on my heart and what today, as I sit here with a cup of tea and some cough drops, I really wanted to share. :) If you've made it this far, thank you for taking some time out of your day to read. And thank you so much to all of you who have followed along in 2012. I have been so blessed by all the kind comments and messages and encouraged and challenged by all of you.

So many blessings to you, dear friends, on 2013! Here's to hoping that it's a fuller, richer, and deeper year than you could have ever imagined.

Much love,
Hannah

some photos in this post taken by the lovely danae moran, janelle putrich, madeline hunt, kiley marissa, jessica shae, and allix b.