"And I will give you a new heart." | When we don't understand.

"Uncompromising trust in the love of God inspires us to thank God for the spiritual darkness that envelops us, for the loss of income, for the nagging arthritis that is so painful, and to pray from the heart, "Abba, into your hands I entrust my body, mind, and spirit and this entire day—morning, afternoon, evening, and night. Whatever you want of me, I want of me, falling into you and trusting in you in the midst of my life. Into your heart I entrust my heart, feeble, distracted, insecure, uncertain. Abba, unto you I abandon myself in Jesus our Lord. Amen." ― Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust: The Ragamuffin's Path to God

I feel inundated in brokenness. More so than ever before. I don't know one person who is not dealing with tragedy, loss, heartbreak, or pain right now. It seems like every day, someone stumbles into grieving like a dancer forced into mourning and soon, the steps are forgotten, tucked away. Lamenting takes the place of laughter. We are part of a song, deeper and swifter than us, and sorrow shatters us into a stumbling refrain. A part, not the whole. It's overwhelming, encompassing. The brokenness we're thrust into takes over the story, becomes our story

I was up until 3 reading Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning until tears streamed from my eyes. I don't understand this, I don't understand the loss of a loved one, I don't understand the loss of faith, I don't understand the loss of a job, I don't understand illness, I don't understand divorce, I don't understand. But I do believe that these ugly seasons will pass. I do believe God is shaping something new from the mess we are in. I do believe God is a God of redemption. I can say that until my lips bleed but without trust, I am a Pharisee spouting words of the law to cover a stone heart, one that is lost and locked away to keep from feeling. It's simpler to live by the letter of the law. But to step out and say, yes, Lord. I believe you. Yes, Lord, I trust you. That's a different story

"And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh." - Ezekial 36:26

This new heart we've been given does not guarantee a pain free existence. In fact, it guarantees pain. It guarantees brokenness. It guarantees hurt. Because this new heart we have is shaped after Jesus' own, and when he weeps, we weep. When he mourns, we mourn. So the loss of whatever it may be that we're dealing with goes deeper than before, because we begin to feel it in the character of God. We begin to feel things from the Father's heart and we see not from our own eyes, but His.

But when we live out of our new heart, we have a greater capacity for not only grief, but joy. When he laughs, we laugh with him. Suddenly, the good things are better than we could have imagined. Suddenly, joy is sweeter while we still dwell in sorrow. Suddenly, we can dance again. Stumbling, slow. There are faltering steps and falls. But we are moving, our blood is rushing, our lungs are breathing. We see through a glass dimly and we see brokenness more sharply defined and delineated. But with that, we see the chance for redemption, hope of wholeness, promise of resurrection, even clearer and nearer, because we are made in the character and image of God. And when that is our identity, everything changes.

So I don't understand. But I believe God is even now at work doing a new thing. He is in the business of beauty from ashes. I don't understand but I trust him. And I trust that there will be a day when we do not mourn, but laugh. When we do not weep, but sing. When we do not ache, but dance.

He is risen indeed.

Still and quiet.Taking the weekend off social media to reflect, to be present, and to be intentional and purposeful -- to embrace and enjoy life, without my phone in hand or laptop on the table.Celebrating Easter with my family -- celebrating that He is risen!(My God is not dead, He's surely alive!)Happy early Easter to all of you. :)
love,hannah

it's okay to be messy.

I'm guilty of wearing masks.

Specifically, the lovely, I've got it all figured out.

It's easier to slap on a smile, put up a pretty photo, write a few words, and be done. Easy to blog a session or write about what is good, instead of what is hard. Easy to put on a face and skim the surface instead of being real and honest and raw. Easy to make it seem like my life is less than messy, more like a picture perfect magazine rather than being filled with grittiness and real things like staying up too late working and getting behind on deadlines and being insecure.

I want to be honest and real. I don't want to appear like I have it all together or because I'm doing so and so, I'm somehow "better" or "cooler" or "more professional." or I've somehow reached "that point" (whatever it is, it doesn't really exist), where I've got it all figured out. Because that is so far from the truth. :)

So. Here's the truth...

I still get nervous before every session.
I care too much what people think and struggle with my identity.
I fear I don't measure up.
I focus on my fears instead of resting in God's truth and promises.
I get stuck between pushing myself and being proud of myself.
I have trouble believing in myself.
I feel like I'm faking it and won't ever make it.
I struggle with punctuality and diligence every. single. day.

But there is grace in the midst of those real things. And I don't have it all together. Not by a long shot. But. I am learning. I am growing. I'm learning to let go of my perfectionism and to be confident in the gifts I've been given and use them to the best of my abilities...that doesn't mean I get a free pass to beat myself up if I "mess up" or don't meet my own expectations. There is a difference between pushing ourselves to be better and ignoring the strengths and gifts we do have, because we fear we don't measure up.

And I fear I don't measure up all the time. Because of my age. Because of where I'm at. Because I can't drive yet. Because I don't have ____ or _____(whatever it may be). Because I did or didn't receive this many comments (yes. even silly things like that). Because so-or-so is shooting these photos and I'm stuck in snowy Minnesota in gross March weather. Because I don't work out everyday or eat totally green and on and on.

But none of that matters. That's not where my identity lies. I can find joy and I can find who I am in the things of this world OR I can embrace who I am in Christ and this beautifully messy life I've been given.

Here's the deal. It's easy to reach a certain point and think that we've got it made. That as soon as we get to this many likes on Facebook, or buy this new lens, or get that many comments, or shoot this many sessions a year, or attend those conferences, or go to a photographer meet up, or get to that "point" -- whatever it is -- that we'll be good. That all our insecurities and fears will go away and somehow we will live in this overwhelming confidence. And those things are not necessarily bad -- in fact, they can be really good! But when we start basing our identity in where we're at instead of who we are in Christ, then we lose the heart behind what we do and who we truly are.

I struggle with my identity. I get nervous around other photographers, bloggers, and well, sometimes just people in general. I'm afraid that I don't measure up. I worry about whether people will like me and I put too much stock in what other people's opinions of me are, instead of being confident in who I am in Christ. And it's an everyday choice for me to focus not on what the world says, but what God says. That I don't have it all together and that's okay! I don't have to be perfect to be His.

It's okay to be messy.

"God speaks something meaningful into our lives and it fills us up and helps us change the world regardless of ourselves and our shortcomings. His name for us is His Beloved. He hopes that we will believe Him & start to see ourselves beloved instead of thinking up reasons we aren’t." — Bob Goff

I know who Goes before me.

"I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The One who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side."
— Whom Shall I Fear, Chris Tomlin.

sang this in Church tonight.

the roof resounded and the room rang and the Holy Spirit moved.
joy.

to be able to help lead worship is such a blessing.
Praise Jesus for who He is.
Praise Him for what He has done.
Thanking Him that we can gather with believers to have fellowship and lift up His name.

That's something I take far too lightly. Living in America, it's just what I've known. Grateful to have grown up in a home and family of believers. Grateful to have been able to worship in freedom. Grateful that we can seek His name because of who He is.

He is a friend of mine.
How my heart sings and my whole being rejoices to say that.

make a careful exploration of who you are.

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." - Galations 1:10

I'll be honest. A lot of the time I slip into that scary place of Sunday morning Christianity (or really, Sunday evening because our Church rents a building that another Church owns, so we have Church at night...but that's besides the point). Or the place of Youth-retreat Christianity. Everyone knows that place. Everyone loves that place where your heart's only cry is for Jesus and Jesus alone. But then. Of course. It's hard to live in Sunday morning Christianity when you have to deal with Monday morning reality. Or is it?

I feel like we as Christians have slipped into an apathetic realization of who we are as the body. I'm not trying to generalize more than I ought and I'm not pointing fingers at anyone (or, if I am pointing fingers, I'm speaking about myself). It's as if we've traded core values for piecemail theology that pleases us at the moment -- splicing and dicing the Bible in order to make our own interpretation of it.

I care about the poor...sometimes.
I donate to charities...sometimes.
Someone else will care for the orphans.
I deserve this new ____.
God didn't call me to here (wherever that may be).

Newsflash. Because we're His, we're called.
God didn't say, you will be witnesses, He said, you are.

And when you're something, you can't be just content to be. You have to do. I wish that that was a duh moment for myself, but so often I find myself needing to continually be reminded of that truth. Otherwise it's like calling yourself a photographer and taking no photos, calling yourself a writer and writing no words, calling yourself a musician and playing no piano, etc...and so on. You get my drift. If we call ourselves followers of Christ yet nothing in our lives point to Christ in us, then we're living out half-hearted Christianity at best.

At the heart of my struggles to totally follow Christ, the fear of others opinions is one of the largest stumbling blocks. What will others think of me. What will others say. What if I come across this way? What if I lose friends / followers / business? What if people don't take me seriously? What if I face persecution?

And then. If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.

Oof. It's hard for me to wrap my brain around it. But are you sure, Lord...? Really, all of it? Can't I just care a little? If I bought this new dress, I'd be trendy! And if I don't post today, then I'll look like a bad blogger. Or, what if I don't network -- what if people don't like me? And silly things like that. I get so wrapped up in this material world around us and caught into the never-ending cycle of trying to please man, even if it's unconscious, that I lose sight of what truly matters and WHO matters more than anything else. Especially in our current culture, where everything is out there and anything can be shared in two seconds, there's an overwhelming pressure to appear to have it all. And what that looks like is different to some people. Maybe it's having it all together. Maybe it's wearing what's trendy. Maybe it's having a lot of business and shooting everyday. Maybe it's traveling to fancy places or eating green or owning half of Anthroplogie for your home.

And I'm not saying those are bad things in and of themselves. But when the need to impress others and to appear like we have it all replace our need for Jesus and our desire to be more like Him, then it's time to step back. If I am still trying to please man, I am not a servant of Christ. Putting it into present tense makes it all the more real.

I do know this. Doing or not doing things because we're afraid of receiving (or not receiving) others approval is only a waste of our time. Not only that, but it quenches our gifts, nudges us away from total abandonment, and keeps us from complete pursuit.

"Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don’t be impressed with yourself. Don’t compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life." - Galatians 6:4-5

Don't be impressed with yourself. Don't compare yourself with others.
If I am still trying to impress man.

It hits home.

Right now, no easy way to wrap this post up. It's all a bit messy, and that's okay. Still mulling these things over and wondering about them. Meditating on His words. I'd love to hear what's on your heart.

put down the net.

Meditating on this scripture...

"And Simon answering said unto him, 'Master, we have toiled all the night, and have taken nothing: nevertheless at thy word I will let down the net.'" - Luke 5:5

They worked and saw no fruit. all night, trying in vain to do what was what they did for a living and -- nothing. Yet. Nevertheless, Luke said, "at your word, I will lay down the net."

I wonder how many times He has asked me to lay down the net and I have refused. Been afraid. Not trusted Him. Worried. Cried, "it's not possible!" but if I trust Him. Believe Him -- not only that He is who He says He is but that He DOES what He says He does, BECAUSE of who He is -- then that is where true life is and total trust is found. Saying, "Lord, I don't know how, but as you say, so I will do." (I believe, help my unbelief)

I hope and pray to have that sort of faith. A life brimming with joyful expectancy of what He will do and a heart steadfast in the truth that He who began a good work in me will bring it to completion at the day of Christ Jesus. What a joy!

Life may say one thing.
But, I want to listen to Him. What He says.
And not only listen, but do.
Put down the net.

Learning, by His wonderful grace, to do just that, today, and everyday.

and if the music is good, you dance.

I've been incredibly convicted with how I'm living my life. Where I'm going. What I'm doing to get there. What I'm filling my minutes and moments and days with. If the music is good, you dance. I love that. It's simple, straight to the point, and so poignant. You have one life to live, one beautiful and painful and precious life to live and give...what are you going to do with it?

Steadfastness is my heart and I have been anything but lately. Which makes me grateful that it's my word for this year, because I know that it's a good one to focus on, a good word to hold fast to these fast-moving months that make up 2013. I struggle and fail and forget that there is grace for my failings, that in my weakness, He is perfect strength. I struggle and put it all on my shoulders and feel frustrated that I am not enough.

But I am not enough and never will be. The beauty of grace is that when we have nothing to give, He gives all the more. I don't understand it. I can't even begin to explain it, everything I write to try to describe it is like the mere sheen of water on glass. But I see it. See it in people and their lives around me, I see it in the way hearts are changed, I see it in who Jesus is and who is people are. And I want to be like Him.

We know who we are because of who He is.

There are so many words I could tack onto my about page that would "define" me, so many labels I could plaster onto myself like a tag on a shirt. Photographer. Writer. Sister. Singer. Daughter. Friend. Artist. Thinker. Dreamer. Granddaughter. Cousin. Doer. Planner. Procrastinator. Creative. Niece. Journaler. Pianist. Reader. Dancer. And on and on and on.

I don't want people to look at me and think, she's a good photographer.
I don't want people to look at me and think, she's a good writer.
I don't want people to look at me and think, she's a good singer.

No. No. No. I want people to look at me and see Jesus. I want people to see Jesus in me, want to be a woman of faith, I want more than anything to be known for who I lived for rather than what I did. I want to pour into people's lives, I want to be genuine, I want to adventure and bless and live out this little, beautiful, wild, and wonderful life I've been given to the best of my ability. And in the end, I want to lay it all down and know that it wasn't about me, and it never was. That everything I did was for Christ.

But I can't do that if I keep living the way I'm living.

Wasting time. Pushing people aside. Living out of entitlement instead of thanks, pursuing more instead of what is here. Not investing in what's important. Trying to be someone I'm not and trying to fit myself into the culture's cookie cutter mold of who I "should" be and what I "should" do. Letting myself be stereotyped and losing sight of my heart in the midst. Not seeking Jesus daily.

Ouch. It's painful and embarrassing and hard to admit.

Because I am selfish. I snap at my family. I struggle daily with pride and have a sharp tongue. I can be lazy. I don't always like to clean and even though I have been given much and shown abundant grace...I complain. I struggle with contentedness, wrestle with letting go, and hold fast to my ideals of perfection. I waste time, I blur the line between honesty and flattery. I can be rude. I sleep in late. I don't always live in grace. I fear. I worry. I hurt others with my words and actions. I put aside what should be today for tomorrow. And I fall short of the mark every. single. day.

The world says to hide your brokenness and the messy, dirty, gritty parts. But Jesus says to bring it all to Him. To open up your hearts and show the ugly parts. I forget sometimes, that He knows me in and out, knows how I've failed, knows how I've succeeded, knows my heart, knows my dreams, knows me better than I know myself. And in bringing my brokenness to the cross, it can become something beautiful. A Joseph story. Beauty from ashes, streams in the desert. Making my wilderness like Eden.

All you need is 20 seconds of insane courage, right?

This is my 20 seconds of insane courage. It may be small. But it's something that's been pressing upon my heart more and more. My soul needs time to be quiet, away from the internet's constant noise, telling me I did or didn't make / do / wear / shoot / write / and on and on. I need some time to pray about my photography, about where His heart is for me and my life, what my ministry and my calling is.

But mostly. I need time to learn how to be present. Right here, right now. I want to fully grasp this wildly extravagant life gift. ("If death got the upper hand through one man’s wrongdoing, can you imagine the breathtaking recovery life makes, sovereign life, in those who grasp with both hands this wildly extravagant life-gift, this grand setting-everything-right, that the one man Jesus Christ provides?" - Romans 5:17 MSG)

I am called to live today. Not as so-and-so, but as Hannah. I have to take time to start to learn and understand what that means. Who I am in Christ and who I am called to be and what I am called to do. I want to be generous with my life and love. I want to be a woman of extravagant grace. And I want to be brimming with thankfulness, steadfast, seeking Jesus and living the life I have been given to the fullest measure.

And the truth is...I can't do it. It's not by my own strength, not by my own "goodness," not by my own gifts. It's not about me. It's not what I am doing, but what He is doing in me. And He who began a good work in me is faithful to bring it to completion. AHHH. What a comfort for my heart. He is FAITHFUL, even when I am not. His character does not change. He is who He is, always.

"Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God's action in them find that God's Spirit is in them - living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life." - Romans 8:5-6

"Answer this question: Does the God who lavishly provides you with his own presence, his Holy Spirit, working things in your lives you could never do for yourselves, does he do these things because of your strenuous moral striving or because you trust him to do them in you? Don’t these things happen among you just as they happened with Abraham? He believed God, and that act of belief was turned into a life that was right with God." - Galatians 3:5-6

So, beautiful friends. I'm taking an internet fast. I won't be online (blogger, twitter, or pinterest) for the next few weeks. I might pop in on my Facebook page to put up a photo of recent happenings, but other than that, I'm taking a break from the blogworld. I will still be doing work, and if you have a question, shoot, or would just like to chat, you can email me (hello[@]imhannahnicole[.]com).

Much much much love to all of you.

Hannah

pieces of grace.

Hello, how are you, happy new year?

I feel the pull to write something poetic or meaningful that will usher in 2013 for this little blog of mine. But life is pretty much the same here.

We are still hoarding tissue boxes and swapping cough drops out for candy, while spending much time napping, watching Full House re-runs and drinking hot tea. I've switched out my normal chamomile for apple cider vinegar with honey "tea" (don't knock it till you try it) and the past few days have been spent working on work that I ended up getting behind in when I got sick.

I went outside today, for the first time in over a week (literally -- stuffy noses don't bode well with Minnesota winters). We've been graced with a fresh dusting of snow to patch up the bald spots in our yard from heavy snowman making, snow fort shoveling, and the packed places that are pictures of boots stomping in the cold. I wanted to go for a walk today, in the crackly white snow almost like ice underfoot, but that would have been terrible for a cold. So I stayed indoors and listened to Passion 2013 (so good, friends! I'm hoping to go with my dear friend Morgan next year! if you haven't been listening to the Live Stream, go buy yourself a digital all access pass).

I've been sleeping in late, partially because I've been staying up late reading my Bible. It sounds counterintuitive, but I'm thankful for this sickness. I never thought I would say that! But the past week has truly been a testament to God's faithfulness and a picture of how He can bring good out of all situations. Because I've been sick, I've had so much time of rest. And I've been able to dig into God's Word, to pray, and I've been learning to seek God again. There is a fire in my heart, a thirst that cannot be quenched!

I haven't been earnestly seeking God the past few months and I've been in a place of spiritual dryness. It's been a place of so much struggle. I loved God but didn't live for Him, and I believed Him but didn't know Him. But Jesus (oh, sweet Jesus!) in His mercy and love has drawn me back to Him, in deeper and better ways than I could have imagined. He has given me a thirst for His word, a hunger to know Him, a fire for my call, a deeper love for His people, and He has changed my heart.

"Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ" - Philippians 3:8

Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. Amen! This is my heart. Never before have these words resonated so deeply in my spirit. I love how the Message puts it..."And why? Because of Christ. Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant—dog dung. I’ve dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him."

I cannot emphasize what a deep change the Lord has made in my heart. Everything that I once thought was so important seems so insignificant just because of the pure joy of knowing Jesus! What a privilege and what a joy to know Christ our Savior and be called His own! I've been listening to worship music all day (if you're following me on twitter, you've probably seen the multitude of lyrics I've tweeted) and they have been such a comfort to my heart. I am learning of God's faithfulness, I am tasting richly of His goodness, I am drinking deep draughts of God! (Psalm 42 MSG)

There is so much God has done in my heart in 2013 already, that I am amazed and humbled. "You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." - Jeremiah 29:13 When we seek God, we will find Him. What does that mean? I know that it's so much more than my feeble attempts in the past few months, a couple pages of rushed through readings in the Bible and hasty prayers uttered before bed. To seek is to go and search, earnestly, for our treasure ("For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." - Matthew 6:21). I want to seek Jesus. I don't want my treasure to be in anything in this world but in Christ alone.

I cannot even describe the difference in my heart -- it's truly as if God lifted a veil and I can see things for how they are. Never before have I experienced such a joy in knowing Jesus! I have some serious times of journaling and changes in my life ahead, because Jesus has made a 180 in my life. I'm excited to see what the Lord continues to do in my heart and excited to see all that He does throughout my life this year. There is so much I could say, so much I want to share, but this post would become very long. :) I'm so grateful that it's 2013 and grateful that I have time to be quiet and rest and plan for this year.

There is no truer love than this love.
I stand amazed in the presence of Jesus.
We are His.
There is nothing sweeter than being called Christ's own.
His children, His beloved, His people.
so much joy for my soul!

So, sweet friends. Happy 2013. Let me know how I can be praying for you!

be still

I've been thinking about quiet lately, and how much my heart desperately needs it. We live in a culture that is constantly shouting at us. Messages coming from every where -- good, bad, in between, just plain clutter -- all sorts of noise sinking in. We live this life of sounds and accept the consumption. We hear things and see things and read things and watch things and wonder about things and ignore our need for quiet.

"He says, “Be still, and know that I am God." -Psalm 46:10a

In the Message translation, it says this: Attention, all! See the marvels of God! He plants flowers and trees all over the earth, Bans war from pole to pole, breaks all the weapons across his knee. "Step out of the traffic! Take a long, loving look at me, your High God, above politics, above everything." Step OUT of traffic. Take a long, loving look at Him.

I know that when I pray, oftentimes, my prayer time is spent mostly in petition and praise, but not much listening. Being still and quiet is hard for me, because my mind is always racing to what's next. I'm always thinking ahead and overanalyzing and wondering and turning a thought or idea around or mulling over something I heard/saw/read.

Be still. Step out of the traffic.

It's so hard.

Above everything. Stop, be still, and take a long loving look at God. Intimately know Him. Not just know who He is, but believe it too. Believe Him and deeply and truly KNOW Him. Intentionally take time to be still, to step away from the clutter and chaos and confusion, and say, "Here I am Lord. I want to see your face." This above everything else.

I'm so distracted by the noise everywhere -- internet, social media, friends, books, movies, family, events, etc., -- that I rarely take time to be truly still. To listen and know and believe with every fiber of my body, and to simply be quiet.I've been rushing around in the fast-paced world, praying and talking to God without waiting for an answer, wondering why I'm not hearing from Him. I haven't taken time to seek His face, to step away and genuinely seek Him.

Being still. Intentionally quiet. Disciplined. Simply listening. This is my prayer for myself. My heart needs quiet -- it craves a personal, impactful, intimate relationship with Christ. And I need to take time to cultivate it. I cannot expect to hear God if I don't cut out the clutter and step away from the noise. If I stood in a crowd, all screaming, how could I assume that I'd hear a friend whisper my name across the room?

I want to step out of traffic and take a long loving look at Him. I want to seek His face not because I feel like I need to, but because I want to -- because I love Him and desire a relationship with Him more than anything else. I want to cut out the clutter, turn off the noise, and hear Him. When He speaks, it's a powerful thing. And I don't want to miss because I'm racing ahead or not listening. I want to be in step with Him, fully aware, walking and loving and listening.

When I'm truly still and quiet, my heart is blessed,
my soul is rejuvenated,
and my spirit is full.

unite my heart.

More and more, I've been seeing the Lord work in my life and in my heart. He's showing me all the areas of my life that I have yet to surrender -- that I'm still clinging to with my hands gripping tight. It's a hard thing to see where you fall short. I struggle with my pride, so being less than the woman I want to be is a hard thing to come to grips with. But in my weakness, He is perfect strength. Not He will be, or if you're good enough, He will be, but He IS perfect strength. It's not about us and what we can do. It's all about Him.

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. "Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God." - Romans 5:1-2
I was reading this verse this morning on my phone, moments after I woke up, and I had to reread it again and again. I bookmarked it with a huge AMENNN and whispered it into the morning, because it's so good. As I read the Bible more, the more I fall in love with the words in it. With His words.

I look at my relationship with Christ and think, "I can't do this. I'm not good enough, strong enough, smart enough, loving enough...I'm not enough!" And that's the point. I can't do this myself. Because of sin, I cannot live a life that is pleasing to God. BUT, in my weakness He is perfect strength. It's His spirit, moving in me, that changes me and enables me to do what I cannot do. He gives me strength, purpose, passion, and a wholeness that is Him. I am a sinner, but He calls me daughter. It's not about what I can do, but it's about what He has done and what He is doing. He's changing lives and making broken hearts new...praise Him from the rooftops!

One of my favorite passages, 2 Corinthians 3:18, talks about how as we walk with God, we become more like Him. From one degree of glory to the next, we are transformed more and more into His image. How cool is that?! By living with Him, we become more like Him. Our love deepens, our hearts opens, and our faces shine, transfigured by His glory. Through Him, we're free to live this whole-hearted grace-filled life. By faith, we can enter into this wildly extravagant life-gift that Christ provides.

Psalm 86:11-13 is my verse for 2012, and I love how The Message translation puts part of verse eleven: "Put me together, one heart and mind; then, undivided, I'll worship in joyful fear." That's what I want for my heart. It's my prayer this year that I'll be a woman who loves, gives, and lives extravagantly, with a heart that is united to fear His name. Whole, because of Him. One woman passionately and purposefully living out this extravagant grace-filled life-gift that He provides, walking with Him from one degree of glory to the next. In my weakness, He is perfect strength.

Not just any strength. Perfect strength.

Teach me your way, O LORD,
that I may walk in your truth;
unite my heart to fear your name.
I give thanks to you, O Lord my God, with my whole heart,
and I will glorify your name forever.
For great is your steadfast love toward me;
you have delivered my soul from the depths of Sheol.
Psalm 86:11-13

hello 2012. so excited to see you.

A new year. I sat writing on my bed last night at midnight and found a huge significance in writing 2012 instead of 2011. The culmination of the past year washed over me in the last few seconds of 2011 and I found myself clinging to the fragments of the last three hundred and sixty five days. Thousands of memories from the past year cluttered my mind, and like the proverbial housewoman who sweeps out the old year, I felt like my thoughts were swept clean as 2012 rolled around soundlessly.

Last year my word was rooted. I clung to that word in times where I felt like sand on the shore, swept up by waves upon wave. I reminded myself of rooted, and what it meant, and the verse I chose with it, and repeated them to myself. Looking back, it was the perfect word for 2011. It helped to keep me grounded.

2011 was a defining year for me. My heart was changed, my purpose and passions made clear, and slowly but surely, I began to discover who I am. My identity in Christ, my loves, my likes, my dreams, hopes, and gifts. In the last few months of 2011, I truly found my voice. I'm rooted deep in Jesus and firm in who I am and who I'm created to be, yet like a tree, my roots go deep but I still have abundant room to grow. To stretch my branches and bud, blossom, and flower, and to reach up to the sky, kissing the blue with my eyes.

I'm so excited for 2012. While 2011 rocked me to the core, 2012 is a year full of promises. Of growing and blooming. 2011 was a year of budding, and 2012 one of blossom. I've been searching and trying to find my word for this year, but have had to surrender. I've got a few ideas, but not the right one yet. My heart is ready and I'm reaching and growing under His rain.

This year, I pray that I'll learn to love like Jesus does; that I'll grow deeper in my walk and more in love with Christ; that my heart would be ready; that I would be diligent, steadfast, and hard-working; and that I would surrender all, trust wholeheartedly, and bloom and flourish where I'm planted, continually fixing my eyes on Jesus, running the only race that matters.

2012? Bring it on. Grateful, blessed, and so ready.

treasure.

it's in the quiet moments,
when I sit with my bible in my
hands, clutching the words that are so full
of Your truth.
I long to be like you, O God!
Let me love you more,
when words fail and my hands grow weak, my
head heavy like autumn leaves falling,
and heart heavier
breath Your life into me,
let me be filled with you,
filled with wonder --
You Alone are good!
all these thoughts run through my head,
as the light fills the room softly
and I read Your Word,
breathing it In,
and letting it sink in, not through
my skin, but instead into my mind,
write your truth on my
heart.

This past month has been extremely eye-opening and life-changing for me. While it's been busy and filled with some exciting things, the impact has been hitting home in my heart. I've been really thinking about Luke 12:34, "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." Where is my treasure? Where do I place the most value in my life? There's so much truth in that verse that I sometimes feel like I gloss over. It's deeper than just how I spend my time. It's an integral part of my thinking -- it's where my heart is at. We are called to guard our hearts, because from them flow the springs of life (Proverbs 4:23). If my heart is found in treasures that are things of this world, then I am not guarding it.

I am committing to guarding my heart in all areas of life and looking to Jesus as my only treasure. I want so badly to live an intentional, radical life for my King. Not just living an image -- I don't want to be like Christians, I want to be like Christ. And to be like Him, I need to know Him.

To know Christ and to be called His own; to be saved by His blood...I cannot think of a better gift. I am chosen, loved, and redeemed because of my King. This truth should shape every decision I make, because there is no love greater than the love of Christ. That is why my heart should sing and my spirit rejoice -- why I am free!

My treasure is Jesus.

tuesday night thoughts

Lately, God has been showing me that His plans are always better than mine. There have been so many choices that I've had to make and life decisions I have to figure out. I've been stressed out with everything -- work, school, ballet -- and have been living in a state of overwhelm.

I think that so often, especially for me, I focus more on the problems (and the fear) instead of leaning on God. Instead of completely relying on Him, I try to "fix" it myself. I've been learning more and more that the Lord has a perfect plan for me and my life...and I just have to be willing to take that step. He has plans for good and not ill, and I just need to trust Him. He doesn't promise that this life won't be hard, but He does promise to give peace during the storm. He promises to be there in the midst of the hardship.

It's such craziness that I can't even speak. We have such a wonderful God! Despite everything I've done, He loves me. His love isn't earthly and flawed, but eternal and perfect. He wants to have a relationship with me. I am chosen, redeemed, and loved by the creator of the universe. Feeling rather overwhelmed with the Lord's goodness right now. I fail and mess up time and time over, yet He's always good. How blessed we are to have a God who loves us despite our actions. His love makes me want to love Him more and more.

That's a good kind of overwhelm to have.

Sorry for the lack of words lately...my computer got hacked/infected with a nasty virus and it's been getting fixed since Fri/Sat. So I'm using a teeny tiny netbook and looking forward to when I can upload my photos and get my laptop back!

I am convicted.

Woodland refreshed me -- it sharpened my goals and dreams, helped me to realize what I need to work on, and enabled me to see what truly matters. Faith, family, and fully living life; spending days together while living out your God-given purpose. Being a light for Christ; passionate, intentional, and bold.

And I am convicted of several things.

Media

I waste too much time online. While my work is almost completely on the computer, I do waste hours of time that could be spent doing so many other things. Time that is lost because of my lack of discipline. I'm convicted to set guidelines for myself regarding how much is too much, as well as set specific limits for media use.

Time

My time management skills are severely lacking. I get done what I need to, but usually not in the right order. I procrastinate and put aside what should be done first. Work before play; necessary things need to be accomplished first. I am convicted to set aside time to do what I need to first, as well as structure my days in ways pleasing to my Savior -- not wasting the precious gift of life He's given me.

Food

I'm in good shape -- I exercise regularly (think 15+ hours of ballet a week), but, I do not eat the healthiest. I am convicted to eat mindfully. (it's helpful now that our garden + raspberry bushes are fully blooming :)

Faith

I haven't been putting the Lord first in my life. I don't want to go through my days putting God in a box -- Lord, help me not to get so wrapped up in my own world that I forget who created it. I am convicted to live in JOY - Jesus FIRST, others second, you (myself) last. I am convicted to spend time praying or being in the Word every morning, as well as living my days wholly for Christ. I am convicted to live completely for my Savior, fully surrendered; I love Him because He loved me first.

This is my journey; this is what I need to do. I'm convicted and encouraged, because I see what areas of my life I need to fully s. I know I can't do it on my own -- but when I am weak, then I am strong, because HE is perfect strength. Would definitely appreciate prayer -- so grateful for all of you!

Loads of love,
Hannah

not just dreaming — doing

I love being able to type away and find my words slowly unraveling, thoughts untangling and words revealing color. But sometimes I have so much that I want to write that I can't find enough words to adequately express myself. My voice gets caught and my fingers slip and I end up with half finished sentences and words clinging to my thoughts.

Lately, I've been thinking about life. About dreams. And about the desires of our hearts — the things that we so deeply long for that they seem to be God-given gifts, given to be pursued and realized.

Psalm 37:4 says,

Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

So often, I put my desires above the real deal. "Lord, I will read my bible — I truly am planning to spend some time praying, but I'm really busy with this job. I'll do it as soon as I finish!" I procrastinate and put off the important, only to find out that the day is done.

If my dreams and desires are God-given, to fully realize them, I have to be truly living. Delighting myself daily in the Lord — because that is the good life. That is the only type of life where my dreams can be wholly fulfilled.

To live a life recklessly in love with God, we cannot let passion be the only substance to our dreams. Passion without pursuing is dreaming without doing. Reality hits and we're left with soil that's clogged with weeds and rocks; dreams lying dusty amidst rubble. And somehow, we're left without a shovel. Our dreams are planted and buried, the seeds lying dormant in the soil, choked with the weeds of the world.

We are called to be bold witnesses for Christ — to have our love and life be a verb. When we live and serve for God because we love Him, He works through us and does amazing things. Authenticity cannot be disguised — it's not an act of face but the truth of how we live revealed in our everyday walk.

I want to walk everyday with intentionality and purpose. To let my light shine and my good works — the desires of my heart — be seen by men so that I may bring glory to my God. (Matthew 5:16) The deepest desires of our soul can only be realized through a life lived for Christ. Walking daily with Him, amidst bumps and smooth roads.

Letting our love be more than a word, instead, becoming an action. Showing our passion to have purpose, something that we pursue. Living out the truth that this is what we were made for — to be the body of Christ.

Being not only a hearer of the word, but a doer.

Loads of love,
Hannah

feet racing, heart pounding — to be alive.

I write. And I write some more. My fingers fly and I sit waiting for the words to come. I hear the lawn mower outside, and Sam runs to the window, staring at my mom. And I wait.

We're walking down the road, feeling the sun on our faces and the wind in our hair. Laughing and talking some more. I start the conversation, "So, what are you thinking about for school and college?" she pauses.

I am still with thoughts that sit in my mind; wordless when words cease to come. For this moment in my life, I am waiting for the thoughts that are causing a build-up in my mind. The calling that is making itself visible through every word written, each sound sung, every photo taken.

"It's a constant journey -- I just have to keep growing. That's all I can do." I laugh and she smiles at me. "With God's help, I just have to keep growing." She turns and nods, "That's what we have to do -- it never stops."

I am so confused; I try to write but my words tangle and I sigh, frustrated. Why this, not that? Lord, what are you calling me to do? Why is this happening?

She shakes her head and I kick rocks with my shoes as we walk on the sun-drenched roads. "It's crossed my mind -- but right now, I feel like where I am, is right." I know the feeling.

We talk about life and faith as we walk the mile from her house to mine, and in the few minutes between here and there, we speak what's on our heart. We wonder.



"Can you run?" I ask her, glancing at her feet. "Of course I can," she responds, grinning. We run and our feet slap pavement hard, pounding out rhythm; our hair flies and our breath breaks from slow to rushed.

And inwardly, I cry. I see where I fall. I see where I stumble. I see where I fail. Slowly, bit by bit, the Lord is peeling back the skin that I've lived in, a mask to hide my past and my fears. It's painful, emerging from a cocoon. I'm eager to fly, but my wings are all sticky, my body is tired. I can't do this alone. But in my weakness, He is perfect strength.

We sit on the porch, smelling the freshly mowed lawn, verdant with life. My chair squishes and I shift, smiling as I see Sam in the window. He watches us and in his eyes he says, "let me come outside. Let me run." I open the door and bring him out.

I long to run. But it's the process of letting go of the past and becoming who I truly am in Christ that freezes me. The Lord didn't say it wouldn't be hard -- but He said to take heart. For He has overcome the world and all its tribulations -- He is greater. (John 16:33) Too often I let momentary trials distract me from His unchanging grace, steadfast love, and marvelous mercy.

Sam laughs and goes from person to person. I hold him as He reaches for my mom, walking across the lawn. His eyes shine and he pushes me away, slipping onto the ground, running for her.

I am still clutching the fragments of my cocoon; still holding onto remnants of the past that are dead and gone. Lord, I want my feet to hit the pavement hard; I want my days to be spent running towards you, closer and closer, until I'm finally home.



He reaches mom and holds his hands up. His eyes widen and he speaks. "Up, up!" He cries. She leans over and picks him up, her hands green from mowing. He hugs her and grins, content to be in her arms.

I write and the words slowly fall into place. The knots undo and the kinks unwind, and my thoughts unravel slowly and slowly, till the tangled mess turns into something beautiful. My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness. Lord, let this be the cry of my heart.

"Come on Sammy -- we have to go drop Hayley off at her house." I pick Sammy up and his eyes crinkle. "You want to come with?" He nods excitedly and his face breaks with a grin. My heart is happy.

I want to spend all of my days resting in the security of my Savior's arms. I want to leave it all at the cross. His blood washes my sins white as snow. My stains are clean because of His sacrifice; His love. Every tear, He wipes away; every hurt, He heals.

"So you just walked all the way here?" My mom asks us as we drive to Hayley's house. We smile sheepishly again and answer her. "We started and didn't know where we were going, so we just kept walking." She shakes her head and smiles at us. "You goofs. I was just mowing and all of a sudden, I see these two people running towards me."

I want to be running towards my Savior. Hair streaming, eyes wide, heart abandoned and full with the fire of God. Lord, let me be fully alive. O, I'm running to your arms // the riches of your love will always be enough. Jesus, you are more than enough for me. Help me to let go of my masks and give me the strength to climb from this cocoon; help my broken, crumpled, sticky wings to fly.

I hug Hayley and wave goodbye, thanking her for having me over. Thanking her for listening and talking. Thanking her for being there. "We have to get together again soon," I say. "You guys should bike; it's only a few minutes away." Her mom adds.

You created me to live life with breath racing, heart on fire, feet pounding broken earth. Running running running to you. This is what it means to be alive.



"We need to have another coffee date, girl," I vociferate, going through days in my head. She nods. "Okay, what about...?" She pauses and waits for me to give her a time that works. "I can't next week, because we have rehearsal, and the week after that is the performance." She nods again and smiles affirmatively, "Three weeks then. And tell me the date of your performance."

"I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back." - Philippians 3:12

I sit in the car and wave goodbye, leaning back into the seat. "When did you see us?" I ask my mom. She switches her mirror and looks at me laughingly, "Right when you got near the driveway." We laugh and I stare out the window, watching familiar scenes pass by.

I slip and I stumble. But I'm going to run the race that matters; forgetting what lies behind and instead, fixing my eyes on Jesus. I'm going to keep on running, getting back up when I fall and pressing forward, straining towards the goal, racing towards the only thing that matters.

I'm running to Jesus.

Loads of love,
Hannah

i am learning...

joining my mom for
friday favorite things

during the past few months, I've been growing,
blossoming, being pruned, and changing,
and becoming the woman the Lord created me as.



I feel like a butterfly,
still poking its way out of the chrysalis
emerging with bright wings
and dreams of flying

and through this time,
I've learned several things.

i am learning...

Jesus has to come first
always.
Lord, let this be the cry of my heart.

what I do or don't do today
matters perhaps more
tomorrow



the way we see Jesus
directly affects how we see life;
when we live differently
we see differently.
Lord, fix my eyes on you.

I am somewhat of a journaler

journaler isn't a word

I am not defined by the world and its lies
but instead
am made whole at the foot of the cross



I am the most beautiful
when I am filled with the fire of God
and not when
wearing the latest clothes
trendiest makeup
or cutest hairstyle

Life
is gritty, messy, hard, and
beautiful.
and it's a choice to see that God-given beauty
in the midst of the everyday.

I don't need to pretend to have it all together.



I flounder, fall, fake, flip-out, and fail,
but in Jesus,
I am loved, redeemed, forgiven and
free.

Family is forever
and relationships
need to be nurtured

I may prefer tea over coffee
and it's okay.

Life is not a popularity game to be won
but a glorious collaboration where the body of Christ
lives out the commands He gives



Little boy smiles are some of the
sweetest things

Letting go of things,
releasing them to Jesus
and asking for forgiveness
is something I'm working on



I have some of the best friends
in the world

Sunny days and peach ginger floats
are some of my favorites

It doesn't have to be
big or expensive
to be beautiful



I'm a storyteller.

life is a gift.
I'm not going to live like I'm stuffed on a shelf,
waiting to be opened,
then forgot about.
Instead, I want to live everyday,
intentionally, authentically and
vividly.



I'm realizing more and more
how good God is.

and...

today is short.
I want to use every second;
I want to spend my life soaking every
drop of God's love up.
Lord, make me like a sponge.

—————————



So grateful for all the comments yesterday
your sweet words
and how you showered Sammy,
and our whole family,
in prayer.

Grateful, sweet friends.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Your friendship makes one of my friday favorite things -- so thankful for you all.
Blessed to call you my blogging buddies.

Loads and loads like laundry of love.

Hannah

rediscovery.

Lately I feel perhaps constrained by my blog. Unsure of what to say. Lacking the words to voice my thoughts. You see...when I first started blogging, it was for the sake of having a blog. However, through the past few years, I've really come to enjoy and love this arena -- this world of blogging. I love the fact that I can write about what's on my heart. I love being able to share bits and pieces of my life. I love having this creative outlet. And I love this community of friends. I've cried, laughed, prayed, been silly and then downright serious, rambled, photographed my family to the point of bribery (chocolate is a favorite in our house), and enjoyed these years of blogging.

More than ever, I'm realizing that I have a voice. I have something to say. The Lord has blessed me with an opportunity to speak. But too often, I'm afraid to write. Because what if it's not good enough? Or what if it's too silly? Or what if it's not what people want to hear?

This isn't however, about writing to please people. It's writing because I love writing -- because I love being able to plunk myself down on the couch and tap a few keys to create something. It's writing because something is on my heart; writing because I have a story to share; writing because I have photos that I love; writing because it's a journey. A journal.

I will not allow myself to be defined by fears and what-ifs. The keyboard is my pen, posts my pages. Ink seeps through the screen in form of pixels and words swirl in thoughts, past pictures and through bits of dreams. Scattered across the site.

I'm going through a season of growth in my life, and part of that includes my blog. Rediscovery. Pruning, snipping, growing, blossoming, blooming. My blog is not meant to be a site plastered with tepid posts and silly phrases. It's about life -- real, vivid, whole life. And I intend to celebrate it.

Join me, friends?

Loads of love,
Hannah

more than a grain of wheat.

Right now, I feel like just a grain of wheat. Trapped in the endless daily cycles of routine and rigamarole; not at all embracing and living to the fullest. I'm stuck on top of the soil, desperately trying to burrow into it. But I have no strength -- I cannot climb into it myself.

"Listen carefully: Unless a grain of wheat is buried in the ground, dead to the world, it is never any more than a grain of wheat. But if it is buried, it sprouts and reproduces itself many times over. In the same way, anyone who holds on to life just as it is destroys that life. But if you let it go, reckless in your love, you'll have it forever, real and eternal." - John 12:24

In my weakness, He is perfect strength; His grace is sufficient. (2nd Corinthians 12:9).

I have so many dreams for my life that I want to say are unfolding. But at the culmination of my hopes, doors are closed and I wonder, why?

Lord, is my faith not enough? Is this not your will? Why, oh God, am I waiting? I want to be used mightily for your kingdom -- why is this not what you have given?

Too often I try to impress my own plans on God. I'm in a season in life of growing right now. My character is being cultivated, my hopes sharpened, and my life seemingly stretching endlessly in front of me. But the paths that I thought were the right trails end up being dead-ends -- they're not where I am meant to travel. Yet I stubbornly persist in trying to walk through the walls in order to achieve my goals. I have my own agenda and I'm constantly bashing headfirst into brick, trying to figure out the way through stone. Places I thought were doors but instead, are just walls.

Just grain.

I don't want to live a life of being just grain.

Die to self. Die to self. Die to self.

I refuse to hold onto life just as it is; Jesus, help me to die to this world. Help me become fully alive in your glory. Refuel my light (Romans 12:12).

In my quest of searching for God's will, I've really been asking the Lord if he'll make my will His own. When doors close, I refuse to admit that they were nothing more than walls. "But Lord, that's what I want! That's what I'm dreaming of! Please, can't I do that?"

Surrendering my will to His own is hard and painful and it hurts. Because it means change; it means recognizing that my carefully-planted garden was really nothing more than a dream; a mirage shimmering on the distance. Yet I refuse to look and see His plan for my life, blooming on the horizon. Thriving. Abundant. Lush and verdant. Full of His glory.

I ignore it and try to coax life out of what has no substance. "Are you sure, Lord? Really? This isn't what you want? I believe you, God! I believe you, I really do. But...this is what I want. Don't you want the best for me?"

And there's the trigger. In my search for self, while wearing a mask of complete surrender, I've become blind and numb to the truth.

His will is the best for me. His no's are always a better yes. The Lord has marvelous, incredible, amazing plans for my life (Jeremiah 29:11), yet if I keep trying to walk through walls, I'm going to miss them. I need to let go of the dreams I thought were doors, and instead, look for his path. Surrender completely. Jesus, take all of me -- all I am is yours. Let that be my heart, o precious King.

I will not just be a grain of wheat.

Die to self. Let me not hold onto life just as it is.

Lord, help me to turn from brick-walls and evanescent plans of my own, and instead, get off that fence. Help me to die to self and plant me, water me, prune me and my dreams, even though it hurts, so that I will blossom with fruit for your glory. Let me live a life of abundant joy, reckless in love, authentic in complete surrender. Use me mightily for your kingdom! Wipe me clean of smudges and let me be a mirror to reflect your glory.

Jesus, I don't want to be just a grain of wheat.

Show me your path, direct my stumbling feet. Sanctify me in truth -- your word is truth (John 17:17). Reveal to me that your will is perfect. Cleanse the crud of culture and worldly expectations from my mind and fill my eyes with you.

I want to see you, completely. I want to live for you, wholly.

I want to bloom where I'm planted.

You may have closed doors, but Lord, place me by a window.

And so I write.

I've missed blogging this past week. Though lately, my posts have become more and more sporadic, there's something freeing about sitting down and writing. I've always loved writing; ever since I was little, stringing words together to create something has excited me. And blogging gives me the arena to say what I need to say; gives me room to write what's on my heart. Writing is a God-given passion and I'm grateful for the gift of this little online journal of mine.

There are many things I've been pondering lately. I'm in a new season of life and there are countless changes and choices coming up. Decisions and new paths that are necessary, yet hard. Because while change can be good, it's still tinged with melancholy. There's that sense of remembering what is gone and wishing for it, even though the future holds brighter promise than the past could have contained.

Something that's been really pressing upon my heart lately is mission photography. Photography is something that I love and in the past, I've contemplated perhaps doing engagements or weddings. However, there's that small stirring that's whispering of something else. My photography now is like a visual journal -- my life, day by day, moments captured and celebrated. And mission photography recently has been something that's constantly going through my head. It's something that I would love to be blessed with an opportunity for.

My life lately hasn't been prioritized. My relationship with my Savior has been lacking and pushed to the side. I've fallen into the trap of putting God in the corner and pulling Him out when "I need Him." That's a terrible lie that I don't ever want to succumb to again -- I need Him always. Perhaps more in the good times than in the bad, because in times of prosperity and peace, we're tempted to believe that we don't need Him because "we can handle it."

I'm working on several changes in my life right now; managing my time better, being one of them. I lose time like leftover change, and unlike those bright pennies, time that's been wasted can't be found again. It's gone, forever. And in my life, I've been coming the conclusion more and more that I need to work on how I spend my time. I long to be diligent, intentional, and authentic. Yet sometimes I view change as something that will just happen, and Bam! There's a new me.

Change, however, is usually a gradual process; an incline that gets steeper along the journey and sometimes, you don't think that you'll ever reach the top. I was not created to live complacently, lethargically, and apathetically. I am to live intentional, because I was created intentional. Filled with the fullness of God.

With Him, I'll always keep growing. I was foreknown by my Savior and predestined to be conformed into the image of His Son. (Romans 8:29) But it's not a one time thing; not a spontaneous and instantaneous action that immediately transforms you. All that I can do is take my life as it is, a blessing, a day at a time and gradually grow into the woman of Christ that I was created to be. I choose to live intentional.

I fail. I flounder, fake, and fall down. We put ourselves into places from our sin that are far from Him. Yet He is always there, and no matter what, He is good. It's a choice to everyday live for Him. A life lived for Him isn't easy but it's the best kind of life there could be.

I deeply desire to live a life that's meaningful -- one that matters. A defined life is one that is lived for the Lord. That's a life that I want to live. That's a life I'm going to live. There's no more, "I'll do this tomorrow." Or putting it aside. I only have today and I will not let this gift of now fall by the wayside.

I have one life to live for Him. And I'm going to live it.

Love,
Hannah

(I was deeply blessed by your comments and prayers -- thank you all so much for your friendship)