I'm just gonna say AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After two years of working, saving, and waiting, I've finally been able to buy my laptop. I know. Isn't that exciting? I flipped out today.

AND...(here's the biggie) I got adobe's photoshop cs4, and dreamweaver cs4 with it.

Aren't you just screaming along with me?

Now to offer you a pic of my beautiful new laptop's desktop...

Isn't it gorgeous? Nice big 17 in. screen gives me a beautiful picture...it'll be interesting looking at all of your blogs now.

Off to transfer all of my files to my laptop now.

It's so nice to say that. ;)

Just wanted to give you all a BIG thank you! :)

First off, I want to thank you for the lovely comments on my previous post. I was deeply and truly touched, and I am so blessed by each and every one of you. You made my day. (days, really, considering that that post has been up since Monday.)

As I said previously, those precious things in life are what stick with us--what really matter. Those are what we remember, and what we cherish. The simplest of things can be our most valued memory.

Which is why I'm trying to look at the little things.

So often in life, we are bombarded by the bigger picture--the small things and quiet moments of the day are pushed aside as we embrace the future and look towards whats ahead. The bigger, the brighter, the better. But living life in the sense of a fast-food drive, where we only move ahead to get what's waiting for us, that's something that is unhealthy for us. (see the correlation between the fast-food and this? ;)

If we only live for what's coming, then we are missing out on fundamental pieces of our lives. However, I'm not necessarily saying you shouldn't live like that.

What I'm saying is, you can't only live for that.

The smaller, precious, quiet moments in life are times we should take out of our schedules--they are times we should enjoy. They are moments that can give us peace, or joy, or happiness. A bit of laughter, a smile, love.

Those are moments to live for.

There are times in our lives when we need to slow down and reflect on God and His Word. These are the moments in which we can be touched. There are times when we need to sit down and play with some little kids. Believe me, the things that they say and do can relieve so much stress and help you to laugh again.

And then there are times just to sit and wonder.

When you take a moment to do some random act of kindness--talk with someone, exchange a laugh, a smile--those are things that stick with people. These are things that you can cherish and remember.


This has been a somewhat rambling post, but I'm fairly exhausted at the moment. I just really wanted to let you all know that you've touched my life.

So thank you. :)

Tying his shoes >> My road to healing

On December 19th 2005, I found out that my dad had cancer. I was nine years old. I don't remember much about the time, except that it was hard, and I was scared. Always scared--mainly for me and for my dad. Life without him was something that I could not even comprehend, nor did I want to. Every time a moment of peace would come to me, I would be presented with that harsh reality of him being gone.

Gone is such a sad word. It's that moment when you know that life cannot ever return to how it was--the moment when life is suspended and you realize that the path you were on cannot carry you anymore.

Gone means change--it means you must be renewed. Life will be different--no matter what the outcome, the pages from then on would have a different cadence, marked differently because of the events beforehand. It means that you must adapt, you must change. It means that you will have to learn to live again.

Learning to live again is a path that I've been taking ever since my dad was diagnosed. It means trusting in the Lord--completely. There is no side-path, no quick route. It's a long and hard journey, but it's what needs to be taken in order for life to continue--in order for life to have meaning. Putting our complete faith in Him is a path that requires perseverance, trust, and hope. Always hope.

But God is hope. And God is life.

I have very little memories from that difficult time, as I have shut most of them out. The fear that always lingered with me in that time is always present in those memories, and it's hard to have them resurface. For one quivery moment, I forget that that time was four years ago, and that I've been remade again. For one moment, I'm suspended in that time, and I feel afraid.

But I've realized that I must go back to them--I need to cleanse myself of all the fears and doubts that have haunted and plagued me since. No matter how painful they may be, I need to let them come, for that is the road to healing.


I'm crying as I write this, but I have a memory too poignant, too painful, and too beautiful that I can't let it disappear.

From the cancer treatments, my dad was too weak to reach over and tie his schoes. It hurt to see my dad in that much pain--it made me sob and feel weak. I hated seeing him unable to perform that task that, at any other time, would have required no effort, and no thought.

So I would tie his shoes for him.

I remember him asking me as he was sitting on the couch. His voice was tired and I felt my heart go out to him. I don't remember his words, but I remember he asked me to tie his shoes.

I hurried over and bent down. The laces were knotted and tight, and it took me some time to un-knot and loosen them so my dad could get his feet in. Then I gently tied them. They were big brown shoes with thick brownish-green laces.

I can still feel his hand in my hair as he whispered softly, lovingly, but sadly, "Thank you, Hannah. I love you." I would reach up and hug him, and tell him I loved him.

And this simple memory makes me cry. Because in that memory, all of my fears, all of my pain, all of my sadness, and all of my hope could be found in that simple act of tying his shoes. In that moment, God gave me the reason to change and to accept change. That was when I realized that no matter what happened, my life would be different. And in that simple moment, I found the strength to continue on--to live real and to live truly.

Because that is what makes life precious. Thinking back to those days of horrible fear and terrible pain, I feel scared again, and sad. I become that little nine-year old girl, searching for hope and for safety. And in that memory, I see why I changed.

My dear daddy was cancer free in March of 2006. I'll hear his laugh tonight and hug him--I'll cry as I see him. And as I write this post, it makes me remember how precious life really is. It gives me the reason to be strong, and to change. Because I could have lost him. Not forever, but my life on this earth would have been without my dad. I would not have him at my graduation day, or my wedding, or the birth of my children, or all those precious moments to come. Never again until Heaven would I be able to simply enjoy his company--to laugh, cry, or talk with him.

And that is why I am on my road to healing. Not because I lost him, but because I could have. My family has been so blessed that he is here today. Knowing that he could have died makes me cry and reminds me of me desperate need to cling to the Lord.

I am walking on this path of God's; going along on His journey. My road has been altered--it always will be--but I am not afraid. No matter what comes, that simple act of allowing and accepting change, and embracing faith in Him--that is what will sustain me. That is why, in Him, I am healed.

We can Live >> We are New

 

A forest of crayons, surrounding a treasure. Crayons as a fortress--a strong hold. 

Sinking crayons in goo. Warrior crayons, clustering around for a battle. 

Crayons. And play-doh.

I can only imagine what my brother was doing when he made this. A result of a highly creative mind and a little boy very prone to stories, especially those of valor and bravery. Let's stick some crayons in some play-doh, and we'll build a story off of that.

Because he most certainly had a story for these crayons. He is not one to make something without reason. There was some tale in his head, spinning itself and forming itself in the picture you see above. 

Oh, what to remember the thoughts of childhood!

Don't you ever wonder what you did back then? Why you did it? What you thought? What you dreamed about? What were your aspirations then? What were your motives? Why didn't you like that? What was your reason for wanting this? Were you so innocent as believed?

Who were you?

Do you ever wonder that?

As we grow older, hazy memories begin to formulate in our minds from childhood. (I'm talking from a baby to around eight, here.) An image sparks some memory that we can't quite find. A scent brings back something--something that eludes us. A sound, a touch, a taste of something--they all remind us of something.

And usually those somethings elude us.

In our pre-teen and teen years, we begin to find our identity--who we are. But don't you ever wonder who you were? Certainly we did not change completely--but in our transition from children to young adults, our childlike innocence is somehow lost. We begin to wonder more deeply about things, and we begin to question.

These are not the simple questions of "Why do we need water?" or "Why is the sky blue and not green?" These are the questions of "Who am I?" "Why was I made?" "Do I really know that God exists?"

Those questions are the ones that bring doubt, and fear, as we begin to ponder what we do not know, and the magnitude of that. How do we know that what we believe is true? Further more, how do we know what we believe? Is it really so simple as saying, "this is what I know to be true?"

Lost within the haze of this world, we are surrounded by lies from the enemy. Lies that serve to plague us and cause us anguish, and strife, and confusion. We are horribly trapped within assumed ideas and ideals and thoughts and reasons--and our identity begins to become conformed. We lose ourselves in the midst, and it seems as if we are caught in a whirlwind of never-ending horror.

Until the light of TRUTH shines in and calms the storm.

Who are you? You are a person made in GOD'S own image. You were created intricately and uniquely and lovingly. The God of the whole universe, who created the stars and can count them by name--He is the one who made you.

In Him, you have nothing to fear.

If you trust in His word and His truth, then you will be able to protect yourself from the enemy. If you believe in Him, you will be saved.

Isn't that amazing?

In His Word can be found answers to the questions. Hidden between the lines, contained with one word, one phrase. Doubt can be cleared if you look in the Word of God. In the bible, truth can be found if you search for it--pursue it. And in truth comes peace.

And he is peace.

That childlike innocence, once so cherished, so longed for, can be regained. But not the same. We can become more than we once were. Instead of doubt >> faith. Fear >> trust. Despair >> hope. Sorrow >> Joy.

Death >> Life.

We were born again in Him--we were made new again. Our sins were washed away--our stains removed. Our past can not haunt us, nor taint us, nor mark us, nor name us, for in Him, we are new. We are new creations--we are new beings--we are new. We have been washed with the blood of Christ--we have been cleansed by his love. We have been remade in His image. We have been born again.

We can rejoice in that peace--that assurance--that comes from trusting in Him, and giving our life to Him. We can be free of guilt, or hurt, or anger. We can let go of past pains, and become all that we were meant to.

In Him, we can truly Live.

Listen and Breathe Today

A leaf fluttered in through the window this morning, as if supported by the rays of the sun, a bird settled on the fire escape, joy in the task of coffee, joy accompanied me as I walked. Anais Din

Mmm...today is a morning to curl up with a good book, sitting snuggled in blankets by the window, as the snow falls slowly down. A croissant in hand and a cup of tea to warm my tingling fingers; a sense of peace filtering around me.

Sometimes morning's just feel that way, don't they? As if all you wanted to do was relaaax and be at peace. The world can hold for a moment--as long as we can simply sit and breathe.

Ever close your eyes
Ever stop and listen
Ever feel alive
And you've nothing missing
You don't need a reason
Let the day go on and on

Let the rain fall down
Everywhere around you
Give into it now
Let the day surround you
You don't need a reason
Let the rain go on and on

What a day
What a day to take to
What a way
What a way
To make it through
What a day
What a day to take to
A wild child

Only take the time
From the helter skelter
Every day you find
Everything's in kilter
You don't need a reason
Let the day go on and on


Every summer sun
Every winter evening
Every spring to come
Every autumn leaving
You don't need a reason
Let it all go on and on

What a day
What a day to take to
What a way
What a way
To make it through
What a day
What a day to take to
A wild child 
Wild Child by Enya

(Have I mentioned that I love Enya?)

Do you ever take time out of your life to just breathe and enjoy the day? Moments of prolific tranquility? Even seconds of time where you feel at utter peace...

Every day is a gift from God, and this is not to say that you shouldn't be productive, but there are times when you need to just stop, listen and breathe.

Take some time out of your day today to relax and enjoy it--you'll never have a day quite like it. Curl up with a book, snuggle in a blanket or just simply stare out your window, relaxing. Whatever puts you at peace, do it.

Breathe, my friends.

A sneak preview...

Of a new series coming up on Aspire...

I was featured, a new look, and wanna see me dance?

Lauren Anne featured me in her new series, pen.on.paper.! She emailed me with a fun little writing interview that I filled out--hopefully my answers were helpful/funny/interesting. What I'm getting at is, go check it out. ^^

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Okay. I know. I JUST redid my blog.

...but I have an inspiration for a new design which I'm dying to put up. For the sake of you readers, I'll wait...how long, I do not know. ;) (here's a little sneak peek)

 

Loving that color scheme there...nice browns and reds. I admit it. I'm pining for Autumn. 

Yes, Autumn. I miss the colors and the crispness. I'm an autumn gal at heart, baby. ;) 

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I figure that you deserve a little look of my ballet, considering I've talked about it enough. ^^

These pictures were taken by Lauren Kastener during our Nutcrakcer dress rehersal. 

 

I was shepherdess for the class I help teach on Mondays (three and four year olds) and then Soldier Doll for my class. Aren't those sheep cute? I had so much fun working with them...they said and did the funniest things. ;)

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And there's my rambling post for tonight. Just wanted to give a little update on some fairly unrelated topics. Okay. Completely unrelated topics. But hey, random posts are fun, right? ^^