I'm just gonna say AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After two years of working, saving, and waiting, I've finally been able to buy my laptop. I know. Isn't that exciting? I flipped out today.

AND...(here's the biggie) I got adobe's photoshop cs4, and dreamweaver cs4 with it.

Aren't you just screaming along with me?

Now to offer you a pic of my beautiful new laptop's desktop...

Isn't it gorgeous? Nice big 17 in. screen gives me a beautiful picture...it'll be interesting looking at all of your blogs now.

Off to transfer all of my files to my laptop now.

It's so nice to say that. ;)

Just wanted to give you all a BIG thank you! :)

First off, I want to thank you for the lovely comments on my previous post. I was deeply and truly touched, and I am so blessed by each and every one of you. You made my day. (days, really, considering that that post has been up since Monday.)

As I said previously, those precious things in life are what stick with us--what really matter. Those are what we remember, and what we cherish. The simplest of things can be our most valued memory.

Which is why I'm trying to look at the little things.

So often in life, we are bombarded by the bigger picture--the small things and quiet moments of the day are pushed aside as we embrace the future and look towards whats ahead. The bigger, the brighter, the better. But living life in the sense of a fast-food drive, where we only move ahead to get what's waiting for us, that's something that is unhealthy for us. (see the correlation between the fast-food and this? ;)

If we only live for what's coming, then we are missing out on fundamental pieces of our lives. However, I'm not necessarily saying you shouldn't live like that.

What I'm saying is, you can't only live for that.

The smaller, precious, quiet moments in life are times we should take out of our schedules--they are times we should enjoy. They are moments that can give us peace, or joy, or happiness. A bit of laughter, a smile, love.

Those are moments to live for.

There are times in our lives when we need to slow down and reflect on God and His Word. These are the moments in which we can be touched. There are times when we need to sit down and play with some little kids. Believe me, the things that they say and do can relieve so much stress and help you to laugh again.

And then there are times just to sit and wonder.

When you take a moment to do some random act of kindness--talk with someone, exchange a laugh, a smile--those are things that stick with people. These are things that you can cherish and remember.


This has been a somewhat rambling post, but I'm fairly exhausted at the moment. I just really wanted to let you all know that you've touched my life.

So thank you. :)

Tying his shoes >> My road to healing

On December 19th 2005, I found out that my dad had cancer. I was nine years old. I don't remember much about the time, except that it was hard, and I was scared. Always scared--mainly for me and for my dad. Life without him was something that I could not even comprehend, nor did I want to. Every time a moment of peace would come to me, I would be presented with that harsh reality of him being gone.

Gone is such a sad word. It's that moment when you know that life cannot ever return to how it was--the moment when life is suspended and you realize that the path you were on cannot carry you anymore.

Gone means change--it means you must be renewed. Life will be different--no matter what the outcome, the pages from then on would have a different cadence, marked differently because of the events beforehand. It means that you must adapt, you must change. It means that you will have to learn to live again.

Learning to live again is a path that I've been taking ever since my dad was diagnosed. It means trusting in the Lord--completely. There is no side-path, no quick route. It's a long and hard journey, but it's what needs to be taken in order for life to continue--in order for life to have meaning. Putting our complete faith in Him is a path that requires perseverance, trust, and hope. Always hope.

But God is hope. And God is life.

I have very little memories from that difficult time, as I have shut most of them out. The fear that always lingered with me in that time is always present in those memories, and it's hard to have them resurface. For one quivery moment, I forget that that time was four years ago, and that I've been remade again. For one moment, I'm suspended in that time, and I feel afraid.

But I've realized that I must go back to them--I need to cleanse myself of all the fears and doubts that have haunted and plagued me since. No matter how painful they may be, I need to let them come, for that is the road to healing.


I'm crying as I write this, but I have a memory too poignant, too painful, and too beautiful that I can't let it disappear.

From the cancer treatments, my dad was too weak to reach over and tie his schoes. It hurt to see my dad in that much pain--it made me sob and feel weak. I hated seeing him unable to perform that task that, at any other time, would have required no effort, and no thought.

So I would tie his shoes for him.

I remember him asking me as he was sitting on the couch. His voice was tired and I felt my heart go out to him. I don't remember his words, but I remember he asked me to tie his shoes.

I hurried over and bent down. The laces were knotted and tight, and it took me some time to un-knot and loosen them so my dad could get his feet in. Then I gently tied them. They were big brown shoes with thick brownish-green laces.

I can still feel his hand in my hair as he whispered softly, lovingly, but sadly, "Thank you, Hannah. I love you." I would reach up and hug him, and tell him I loved him.

And this simple memory makes me cry. Because in that memory, all of my fears, all of my pain, all of my sadness, and all of my hope could be found in that simple act of tying his shoes. In that moment, God gave me the reason to change and to accept change. That was when I realized that no matter what happened, my life would be different. And in that simple moment, I found the strength to continue on--to live real and to live truly.

Because that is what makes life precious. Thinking back to those days of horrible fear and terrible pain, I feel scared again, and sad. I become that little nine-year old girl, searching for hope and for safety. And in that memory, I see why I changed.

My dear daddy was cancer free in March of 2006. I'll hear his laugh tonight and hug him--I'll cry as I see him. And as I write this post, it makes me remember how precious life really is. It gives me the reason to be strong, and to change. Because I could have lost him. Not forever, but my life on this earth would have been without my dad. I would not have him at my graduation day, or my wedding, or the birth of my children, or all those precious moments to come. Never again until Heaven would I be able to simply enjoy his company--to laugh, cry, or talk with him.

And that is why I am on my road to healing. Not because I lost him, but because I could have. My family has been so blessed that he is here today. Knowing that he could have died makes me cry and reminds me of me desperate need to cling to the Lord.

I am walking on this path of God's; going along on His journey. My road has been altered--it always will be--but I am not afraid. No matter what comes, that simple act of allowing and accepting change, and embracing faith in Him--that is what will sustain me. That is why, in Him, I am healed.

We can Live >> We are New

 

A forest of crayons, surrounding a treasure. Crayons as a fortress--a strong hold. 

Sinking crayons in goo. Warrior crayons, clustering around for a battle. 

Crayons. And play-doh.

I can only imagine what my brother was doing when he made this. A result of a highly creative mind and a little boy very prone to stories, especially those of valor and bravery. Let's stick some crayons in some play-doh, and we'll build a story off of that.

Because he most certainly had a story for these crayons. He is not one to make something without reason. There was some tale in his head, spinning itself and forming itself in the picture you see above. 

Oh, what to remember the thoughts of childhood!

Don't you ever wonder what you did back then? Why you did it? What you thought? What you dreamed about? What were your aspirations then? What were your motives? Why didn't you like that? What was your reason for wanting this? Were you so innocent as believed?

Who were you?

Do you ever wonder that?

As we grow older, hazy memories begin to formulate in our minds from childhood. (I'm talking from a baby to around eight, here.) An image sparks some memory that we can't quite find. A scent brings back something--something that eludes us. A sound, a touch, a taste of something--they all remind us of something.

And usually those somethings elude us.

In our pre-teen and teen years, we begin to find our identity--who we are. But don't you ever wonder who you were? Certainly we did not change completely--but in our transition from children to young adults, our childlike innocence is somehow lost. We begin to wonder more deeply about things, and we begin to question.

These are not the simple questions of "Why do we need water?" or "Why is the sky blue and not green?" These are the questions of "Who am I?" "Why was I made?" "Do I really know that God exists?"

Those questions are the ones that bring doubt, and fear, as we begin to ponder what we do not know, and the magnitude of that. How do we know that what we believe is true? Further more, how do we know what we believe? Is it really so simple as saying, "this is what I know to be true?"

Lost within the haze of this world, we are surrounded by lies from the enemy. Lies that serve to plague us and cause us anguish, and strife, and confusion. We are horribly trapped within assumed ideas and ideals and thoughts and reasons--and our identity begins to become conformed. We lose ourselves in the midst, and it seems as if we are caught in a whirlwind of never-ending horror.

Until the light of TRUTH shines in and calms the storm.

Who are you? You are a person made in GOD'S own image. You were created intricately and uniquely and lovingly. The God of the whole universe, who created the stars and can count them by name--He is the one who made you.

In Him, you have nothing to fear.

If you trust in His word and His truth, then you will be able to protect yourself from the enemy. If you believe in Him, you will be saved.

Isn't that amazing?

In His Word can be found answers to the questions. Hidden between the lines, contained with one word, one phrase. Doubt can be cleared if you look in the Word of God. In the bible, truth can be found if you search for it--pursue it. And in truth comes peace.

And he is peace.

That childlike innocence, once so cherished, so longed for, can be regained. But not the same. We can become more than we once were. Instead of doubt >> faith. Fear >> trust. Despair >> hope. Sorrow >> Joy.

Death >> Life.

We were born again in Him--we were made new again. Our sins were washed away--our stains removed. Our past can not haunt us, nor taint us, nor mark us, nor name us, for in Him, we are new. We are new creations--we are new beings--we are new. We have been washed with the blood of Christ--we have been cleansed by his love. We have been remade in His image. We have been born again.

We can rejoice in that peace--that assurance--that comes from trusting in Him, and giving our life to Him. We can be free of guilt, or hurt, or anger. We can let go of past pains, and become all that we were meant to.

In Him, we can truly Live.

Listen and Breathe Today

A leaf fluttered in through the window this morning, as if supported by the rays of the sun, a bird settled on the fire escape, joy in the task of coffee, joy accompanied me as I walked. Anais Din

Mmm...today is a morning to curl up with a good book, sitting snuggled in blankets by the window, as the snow falls slowly down. A croissant in hand and a cup of tea to warm my tingling fingers; a sense of peace filtering around me.

Sometimes morning's just feel that way, don't they? As if all you wanted to do was relaaax and be at peace. The world can hold for a moment--as long as we can simply sit and breathe.

Ever close your eyes
Ever stop and listen
Ever feel alive
And you've nothing missing
You don't need a reason
Let the day go on and on

Let the rain fall down
Everywhere around you
Give into it now
Let the day surround you
You don't need a reason
Let the rain go on and on

What a day
What a day to take to
What a way
What a way
To make it through
What a day
What a day to take to
A wild child

Only take the time
From the helter skelter
Every day you find
Everything's in kilter
You don't need a reason
Let the day go on and on


Every summer sun
Every winter evening
Every spring to come
Every autumn leaving
You don't need a reason
Let it all go on and on

What a day
What a day to take to
What a way
What a way
To make it through
What a day
What a day to take to
A wild child 
Wild Child by Enya

(Have I mentioned that I love Enya?)

Do you ever take time out of your life to just breathe and enjoy the day? Moments of prolific tranquility? Even seconds of time where you feel at utter peace...

Every day is a gift from God, and this is not to say that you shouldn't be productive, but there are times when you need to just stop, listen and breathe.

Take some time out of your day today to relax and enjoy it--you'll never have a day quite like it. Curl up with a book, snuggle in a blanket or just simply stare out your window, relaxing. Whatever puts you at peace, do it.

Breathe, my friends.

A sneak preview...

Of a new series coming up on Aspire...

I was featured, a new look, and wanna see me dance?

Lauren Anne featured me in her new series, pen.on.paper.! She emailed me with a fun little writing interview that I filled out--hopefully my answers were helpful/funny/interesting. What I'm getting at is, go check it out. ^^

______________________________

Okay. I know. I JUST redid my blog.

...but I have an inspiration for a new design which I'm dying to put up. For the sake of you readers, I'll wait...how long, I do not know. ;) (here's a little sneak peek)

 

Loving that color scheme there...nice browns and reds. I admit it. I'm pining for Autumn. 

Yes, Autumn. I miss the colors and the crispness. I'm an autumn gal at heart, baby. ;) 

______________________________

I figure that you deserve a little look of my ballet, considering I've talked about it enough. ^^

These pictures were taken by Lauren Kastener during our Nutcrakcer dress rehersal. 

 

I was shepherdess for the class I help teach on Mondays (three and four year olds) and then Soldier Doll for my class. Aren't those sheep cute? I had so much fun working with them...they said and did the funniest things. ;)

______________________________

And there's my rambling post for tonight. Just wanted to give a little update on some fairly unrelated topics. Okay. Completely unrelated topics. But hey, random posts are fun, right? ^^

Look what I did >> One of the Hardest things for me

I recently re-dedicated my life to Christ, and since then, I've found that one of the hardest things I've been encountering is the idea of "look what I did."

Not just simply going, "Oh, I did that." or "I just designed that!" but the self-centered pridefullness of going, "Look what I did--I just converted someone to Christ."

The very idea that it's us who are converting people to Christ--that's what I daily struggle with.

Because it's NOT us. That's the simple answer.

If anything I write or do or say, if anything I do affects someone and helps them in their walk in Christ, it's still not my doing. It was all Christ's doing. I was simply the instrument that was used at the moment--or as Jeremy Erickson put it, I was the mirror.

This is a truth that I have to daily remind myself of. The simple trap that we all fall into is that of pride--of us thinking that we were the ones who ultimately led the person to Christ. We were just the tools that He used. And we need to remember that.

That doesn't go to say that we didn't have a part--I mean, we get to be the INSTRUMENTS of GOD; it doesn't get much more amazing than that. But we need to remember and embrace the truth that it was God who did the work. He was the one who breathed through us--He was the one who made us play. He helped us to reflect His light, in order to shine His truths in the dark.

So often we can fill our heads with self-glorifying thoughts. Thoughts of, "Oh, I'm holier than thou." Those are the thoughts that lead to destruction.

1st Peter 5:6 says:

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you,

Exalting here doesn't mean making you holier--it means God letting His light shine through you. It means having Him use you as an instrument. It means being breathed through with God's voice, and being propelled to use that which you've felt to share His truth.

It means to let go of "it was my doing" and instead, EMBRACE that it was His.

Note that it said the proper time. That means exactly what it says. The proper time. The time when it's needed. You would not begin banging a drum obnoxiously and without cause right in the middle of a flutist's solo, and neither will God have you witness for Him when it is not the right time.

That's not to say that we aren't ready. If we believe in Jesus, and if we follow Him and love Him--then we are ready. It's simply a choice of listening to his call--listening to the great orchestrator's sign and choosing whether or not we respond.

To close it up, I mentioned throughout this post we are instruments of God. He works through us. He chooses the instrument that He is going to use at the moment--the one that is equipped, or the one that is needed. The one that is ready.

But that doesn't mean He uses them in the same way.

Just as you wouldn't play a flute like you would a tuba, or a violin like you would an oboe, God doesn't use everyone in the same way. You were uniquely created to reflect God's truth and His love in your way.

Embrace that. Live it.

I'm back!...sort of

First of all, thank you all SO much for your wonderful comments and your prayers. I cannot tell you how much they made my day when I read them. They were definitely a blessing to me, and I'm SO grateful for you all.

And now for the nitty-gritty medical stuff. I was fatigued all weekend and I shrugged it off thinking that I hadn't had enough sleep and I was just tired from dance. On Sunday and Monday, I had some headaches, but I used the same reasoning I had used when I was fatigued.

On Tuesday, I had a slight, achy headache all morning and I was having trouble concentrating. Then, around 12:30, my throat started hurting. As the day progressed, I felt more lethargic and my throat hurt worse, until finally, I called my mom up and said, "Can I go in?" (which is pretty rare for me--I'm not a big fan of doctors and  blood tests and all that.)

We went in and I was feeling worse than before. They swabbed my throat except, I jerked back, so it wasn't a great swab. The rapid strep test came back negative, so that was good.

My mom asked if there was anything else we could do, and our doctor said I could get a finger poke to check my white blood cells. If they were elevated, I could be fighting bacteria.

Knowing how much I hate finger pokes, my mom left it up in my court. She told me that she felt I should do it,  but it was my choice.

I wrestled with this for a few minutes. My fear of getting my finger poked (believe me, I have a phobia of blood) and my discomfort with it. I prayed about it and I really felt that I should do it, but I didn't want to. I was struggling against my own wishes and then what I felt God was telling me I had to do. Finally though, I relented, and with definite fear, I okayed it.

As soon as the doctor left the room, I burst into tears and told my mom I wanted to go home. I was truly feeling miserable. My throat hurt, my head hurt, my whole body was aching, I was exhausted, and I wanted to go home and lie down. My mom told me that I didn't have to get the finger poke if I didn't want it, but I told her that I had prayed and needed to do it. That didn't make it much easier though.

So I got the finger poke, and I have to tell you, it was the absolute worst one I have ever gotten. (and I have gotten them a TON--a few years ago I got really sick and was literally a human pin-cushion). Not to make you queasy, but I could hear it puncture--loudly. I'll leave it at that.

They tested it and, lo and behold, when it came back, my white blood count was elevated more than double. And the structure was slightly different as well. I definitely had something I was fighting.

They prescribed an antibiotic for me to take, and we left for Target to pick it up. My mom was so proud that I had done the test, because if I hadn't I would've gone home with no medication.

At Target however, things took a turn for the worse. We had to wait about 25-30 min. for them to get my prescription ready, so we walked around Target. (we, meaning, my mom, Sam, Eli and me). At the end, I almost passed out. My head was spinning so bad and I felt so terrible. I honestly don't remember being that sick.

So long story short, I've been going through recovery. Tuesday night and yesterday morning were the worst. Today, I'm feeling much better, although my throat hurts pretty bad and I'm slightly fatigued/sore.

Again, thank you all SO much for your kind comments and your prayers. Both were MUCH appreciated. So thank you--I feel very blessed because of you all.

Please Pray

Hi, this is Hannah's mom, Rachel, posting for her.  Hannah asked me to let you know that she's pretty sick right now.  She went to the doctor and had a high white blood count so they put her on a strong antibiotic.  She's resting tonight, and we are hopeful that the antibiotic works quickly as she's quite uncomfortable.

Thank you so much for your prayers.  I know she's grateful for each of you, and your prayers.

Rachel

He Waited >> Noah's Story

I was reading my Bible last night, and was continuing along in Genesis (I've decided to start from the beginning) and this part caught me:

But God remembered Noah and all the beasts and all the livestock that were with him in the ark. And God made a wind blow over the earth, and the waters subsided. Genesis 8:1

I puzzled over it a bit, trying to untangle the meaning. God doesn't forget things...right? I mean, He's God. But after a little bit, it hit me and I was surprised at the grandeur hidden in that verse.

God didn't forget Noah--but in that passage, it was His way of saying, "I'm still here for you--don't worry, I remember."

Put it this way. They've been in the ark for an incredibly long amount of time now. They're probably all dying to get off. And outside, it's still flooded. So now they're going, "God, where are you? We're still here--remember Noah, and his wife? And Noah's sons and their wives? Yeah, we're right here...you didn't forget us God, did you?"

But God remembered.

He didn't forget them. He was still there--and He wasn't going to let them die.

So after that, I felt elated because it's such a big truth. God isn't going to forget you.He's not going to forget the works that you're doing for Him--works that you're doing out of love for Him, because He saved you. He sees you down here--He remembers.

Which brings me to something else--the reason for the title.

At the end of forty days Noah opened the window of the ark that he had made and sent forth a raven. It went to and fro until the waters were dried up from the earth. Then he sent forth a dove from him, to see if the waters had subsided from the face of the ground. But the dove found no place to set her foot, and she returned to him to the ark, for the waters were still on the face of the whole earth. So he put out his hand and took her and brought her into the ark with him. He waited another seven days, and again he sent forth the dove out of the ark. And the dove came back to him in the evening, and behold, in her mouth was a freshly plucked olive leaf. So Noah knew that the waters had subsided from the earth. Then he waited another seven days and sent forth the dove, and she did not return to him anymore. In the six hundred and first year, in the first month, the first day of the month, the waters were dried from off the earth. And Noah removed the covering of the ark and looked, and behold, the face of the ground was dry." In the second month, on the twenty-seventh day of the month, the earth had dried out. Then God said to Noah, "Go out from the ark, you and your wife, and your sons and your sons’ wives with you. Bring out with you every living thing that is with you of all flesh—birds and animals and every creeping thing that creeps on the earth—that they may swarm on the earth, and be fruitful and multiply on the earth." So Noah went out, and his sons and his wife and his sons’ wives with him.Genesis 8:6-18

Picture this. They've been in the ark for what seems like forever. And then finally, Noah sends out a raven--and that's not fruitful. So he waits and then sends out a dove, who comes back. Then he waits some more and sends out another dove who returns with an olive branch in her beak. So he waits even more and sends out the dove again. This time, she doesn't return.

So now Noah knows that it's pretty much dry out there, so he throws open the covering and beholds dry ground. His family must be dying to get out, and they're begging him to leave that ark.

But he doesn't. He waits.

Instead of trusting his own judgment and looking to satisfy his own needs, Noah waits until God says, "Okay, you can leave the ark now. Take your family and the animals, and go." Noah puts aside what he wants, and instead, he waits for God to say, "It's time--you can go."

That shows incredible trust and faith on Noah's part. Because really, he was probably dying to get off that ark. It was probably smelly, and somewhat cramped (think of all the animals that would have to go on it) and he was tired. The ground looked dry, and everyone was probably itching to get off the ark, but Noah waited to leave it. He waited to take his family and the animals off, until God said, "Go out from the ark."

Noah waited for God >> and God remembered him.

I was blown away when I read it. The faith on Noah's part. And then God--God who doesn't forget, but remembers.

If we were to live our lives like Noah did--think how fruitful they would be. Waiting for God's timing instead of going by our own. Instead of pursuing what we want, pursuing what He wants. And knowing that God remembers.

Living in that peace that comes from that kind of faith.